'fimaaa

2011-03-17T12:27:00.005+08:00

:) Salvation.
Current mood: confused

I think I've finally peeled off the last layer of emotions I have kept over the years. Guilt is all I can feel running in my veins and I, after all these years, I feel desprate. I need to hear him say, he's alright. I need to hear him say, I'll be alright.

Over the years I've changed. The flow becomes my guide and my effort becomes trash. Why do I see no future yet I see no end. I feel at war with myself, a confrontation of what I want to keep with what I truly need. I need salvation. Save me, call me. I'm desprate, desprate for what I've lost.

Dear world, bring back my spark, I need it to be alright.
Dear UNO, I love you, never forget that. :)

'fimaaa

2009-07-16T17:17:00.001+08:00

:) Off days
current mood: tired

It’s been a long time since we took a decent photograph. Despite the wonderful times we’ve shared, I have learnt to keep them in the mind and lock it away, where no one will find. Sometimes however, it’s nice if the world could see the part of him which I see. He proves he’s love is real, over again.

Couples everywhere have their off days too; when things go absurdly wrong or not according to plan, when one party asks too much from the other, when things get out of hand. Yes we do have those days too.

This time round, he switched places with me. I turned it off, leaving the room dark whilst he, he was the one who insisted that everything will be alright. That’s the best reason to LOVE him.

Dear UNO, I promise you. :)
Dear World, off days or on days. I LOVE HIM.

`fimaaa

2009-07-09T14:22:00.002+08:00

:) Lunch date
current mood: mushy

There are only 4 of us in The Central, SOHO 1, #11-08; therefore, lunch time means its some alone time for me.
Yet I never really feel alone during my alone time. It’s stupid to say this out loud, but somehow, I know he is always by my side. Maybe the after the short beautiful time we have had together, he rubbed off on me.

They said, during the pursuit, he is the sweetest.
Others said he is the sweetest when it’s only the first few months.
Well for all I know, it's all a myth. MBF has become sweeter overtime.

Dear world, I am still young and it does not matter what you think of my choices. Just do not judge me for the things I choose.
Dear UNO, I glad you are where you are now. ILY

`fimaaa

2009-07-06T14:29:00.005+08:00

:) KA-ching
current mood: anticipation

I blew over 250 bucks just to clear my wish list over the weekend. Retail therapy was awesome especially when MBF was by my side. Now in my possession, the long awaited Man United jersey, a couple of new inner wear, new Charles and Keith and countless of The Face Shop care and beauty products.

I hereby declare that it’s about time I pamper myself like how a girl would pamper herself. All in all, I think I deserve it.

Of course with that said, I still have to set aside some for my future plans like that degree which seems to be on hold due to the lack of the former.

MBF and I have been building castles in the air and having the time of our life. Conversations have been nothing but wonderful, with him assuring me that I can count on him, regardless. This time, I know it’s different. Because this time, sometimes it goes something like this,

“I can reuse it on our day, and we can use the money for our trip”
.

When the future is concern, it’s up to HIM above. But where the planning is concern, I pretty much have an idea of who, when and how. (:

Dear world, I am blissful. (:
Dear UNO, nothing beats this feeling, thank you. ILY, BIDIOT.

`fimaaa

2009-06-06T15:16:00.002+08:00

:) Dato' or not

current mood: pissed

1. I am not a pushover.

2. IF you think that being 19 (and inexperience), I am terrified of a Dato' (Sir); well I ain't.

3. If you dare to step on my toes and/or head, I will NOT just shut up and ignore you.

Well, Mr JB, I ain't scared of you and I will prove to you that I am far better off without you, your cash, your guidance and your attitude for that matter. I don't wish for bad thing to happen to you, because I am not evil. Nevertheless, I do not wish you well. May you wake up one day and realize that and EGOMANIAC like yourself will loose all that you got. IDIOT.

Dear World, to earn respect, gain it. Mr JB, has no idea or clue about respect.

Dear UNO, what say you?

`fimaaa

2009-06-02T18:16:00.002+08:00

:) 101st Entry
current mood: -

15th June 2009; my life's transition

I am sorry to those who thought I would stay long enough here.
I hope the journey will be a brighter one there.

Wish me luck.

World, let the next step I take be the one for me.
Dear UNO, I know behind me, you will be there cheering me on. Thank you.

`fimaaa

2009-05-29T23:51:00.002+08:00

:) She piss me off
current mood: ansgt

When you hate someone and call her fat for instant, you do not follow her trend, her fashion or the way she bring herself up.
I am a fat girl and never deny. My style has always been a black dress and my A/X jacket with 3/4 sleeves and a black panteehose with any pumps or heels to go with. My style, my colour, has always been blackk. I am mortified that the woman I hate most, and the woman who said i got no fashion sense, bought things tht are similar to mine and uses it. WTF! She looks like me, only skinner and uglier. Whats worse, she's a gold-digger.

Clearly no fashion sense, no originlity. I fucking hate posers and looser like her.

'fimaaa

2009-05-29T17:45:00.000+08:00

:) Crossroad again
current mood: fatigued

My “reasons to smile” entry seems to be long gone as my fingers are dying out on me every time I am in my own page.

I am not complaining about my life or about any other thing for that matter. Safe for the fact that I will shop/have shopped for my new look, and I am pampering myself with goods that I could have never afford before, my life has been going the way it should/ should not have been. Truth be told, I am clueless and am unsure most of the time to what will happen next. Then, it struck me, I woke up from my dreams and realize that I stumbled upon a yet another crossroad. There’s a surprise.

Putting that aside, GSS is officially launched today. Good news for me. I reckon this month I will burn my money solely on my attempt to update my look and footing the bills. And by end of May, you’d see me eating bread for lunch and staying put at home. :)

Anyway, I reckon I’ll craft this entry a little personal. Here’s a list of what I have been up to these days:

I almost sob upon browsing pictures of Gigs and Van der Sar after their loss.
I seriously hope Teves will be signed on for years to come as we cannot afford to loose him to the opponent
I skip lunch sometimes, but I still gain weight
I am starting to appreciate curls, especially those on my head
I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic after 3 years which seemed like a lifetime affair
I am upset with the service rendered by a Singtel Customer Service Officer
I forgot how to put on proper make up due to the fact that only the eyes has a dose of eyeliner everyday
I missed out this year idol even when I was rooting for Kris
I miss my time with the kids and parents for that matter
I love MBF more today than yesterday

Dear world, when a stranger smiles at you, smile back.
Dear UNO, make time go faster, and stay with me.

`fimaaa

2009-05-12T16:13:00.001+08:00

:) My Singapore
current mood: lethargic

National day is not around the corner, but I have a major urge to blog about my homeland.

As times goes by, we are bombarded with faces around us that we know are not from our homeland. They come into this less-than-700m2 –piece-of-land, made it like their own, dragging their families around, registered their names as a Permanent Residents(PR) of Singapore and are employed here on a full time basis.

The reason that I am blogging is to express my undeniably strong hatred for one group of such foreign talents (only because I am this polite) who are dumb enough to work in a position that requires ENGLISH as a medium for conversations when they cannot utter a single simple word of it.

Simple English like,
“I want one Oreo Crush with jelly and one Chocolate Oreo with pearls please. Thank you,” you would reckon they would understand (plus it being in the Menu) you would have expected them to jump right off their seats and whip us up our drinks.
But NO; they stood there asking you over and over, what flavoured drink you asked for, speaking to you in simple MANDARIN plus some English words like “Chocolate” , “Oreo” and/or “pearls or jelly”, with hopes that you could at least understand part of what they are asking.

Yes, majority of the citizen in my homeland is Chinese. But what makes the country’s official language Mandarin, or any other language for that matter. We live in society that most are proud to call, multi-racial. If so, why the language barrier? Were we not thought to speak the good English when we were younger? Yet when we are out there, in the real world, these foreign talents refuse to learn speaking in simple English before their employment and trouble us non-Mandarin speaking citizens with this language barrier. Then why did we painstakingly learn grammar, vocabulary or adjective for that matter? Is it not important for employers to hire employees who have some basic knowledge of English – especially when the employment is in Central Business District area?

Many movements and such are brought about by citizens here about the importance of being understood in Mandarin. How about a new one? Be understood in SIMPLE English, just for the foreign talents out there.

Yes, even my English language is not perfect. But truth be told, I am easily understood by many around me. Good English = being understood NOT good Mandarin = being understood.

My country is Singapore. With a population of more than 4 million, and mostly, English speaking citizen, I think its time the government emphasize on the importance of speaking good English; especially PR and anyone working here.

I strongly believe that when you work in a shop, retail or F&B, you are the ambassadors of Singapore to the tourists arriving. It’s a pity if they look down upon us, just because these foreign talents can neither understand nor communicate to them in simple English.

And I have yet to blog about my utterly disgusted point of view of some retail assistant. &Trust me, shops with Singapore Service Star stickers are where you can get the best retail experience.

UNO, I know that even if no one agrees with me, you will. Right? :)
Dear World, let’s all improve our language skills. PLEASE.

`fimaaa

2009-05-10T01:17:00.005+08:00

:)Eeeeee 63
current mood: PMS

The handphone number has changed. You can ask me for it personally by tagging me, msn-ing me or facebooking me. The best way is to ask MBF as he is the one who took the liberty of remembering my number while I, have yet to do so. :)

UNO, I know you are waiting for my shopping critic entry. Meanwhile, I just want to say I LOVE you & the new eee63 by you. :)
Dear World, Nokia Eeee63; it's love & its where I am blogging from!

'fimaaa

2009-04-22T17:10:00.006+08:00

:) “We’ll wait and see” he said.
current mood: satiated

I have heard a million phrases that I hope and pray he will never utter to me. This one account he mentioned something which I yearn to share. Somehow, a single phrase managed to leave me with a deep impression that I desperately attempt to expunge.

“I KNOW one day YOU WILL leave me.” he said.

I am not disappointed nor am I angry. I know where he is coming from and I respect it. He made plans for our future and plans his next step towards that. It’s unlike him, if you know him well enough. Thus, I believe him, I trust him. He loves me, and I am positive of it.

In the conversation that was bittersweet, I made no attempt to prove to him that my love will stand every loophole. I reckon there will be obstacles in life and he looks down upon himself as if he was not strong enough. Yes, even I cannot see the future that we have imaginary planned and we talked about. But I am convinced, if there is anyone I want to go through my thick and thin with, it would be this man, this one man who never sees faith in love but manages to fall head over heels for a foolish girl like me. I can only pray that I can change his point of view. I will not promise to never leave him, but I will promise to try to be with him till our time is up.

I mean, how you reckon I have the heart to leave a guy like him?

“We’ll wait and see” he said. And I, well I agree.

At 19, I stand before the world. Still finding my place in the face of Earth, though it may seem impossible to consider, I strongly believe that I have grown up to be a fine young lady who is not careless about what she wants. I might seem like the all time looser or bore that everyone deride or have never considered of befriending, nevertheless, I will always try my very best to work as hard as I can to achieve what I want.

The future is unclear, as it has always been. So why say you KNOW when you actually don’t. Well at least I KNOW that no matter what the future holds, I will always strive to pursue my happiness. Right now, that happiness is him. Yes, I might not know for sure but we’ll just wait and see.

Dear UNO, I reckon I should not say much more, only ILY and that’s all I really know.
Dear world, I share because I ain’t afraid to show how I feel. That’s all. :)

`fimaaa

2009-04-20T16:11:00.001+08:00

:) NO Triumph
current mood: Frosty

MBF and I had a good Sunday the 19th where, on a monthly basis, we tend to meet and have an exceptional good time together. Maybe its tradition or maybe its just a day we look forward to. Either ways, I had an implausible 19th .

The one discontent we had from our 19th was upon reaching home and spending hours later watching THEM on the field. I was hoping that THEY will have glory triumph upon them and marching straight up into the finals for the FA cup. Apparently, THEY have other ideas and are doing well disappointing their fans this season, when last season, it was the contrary. It was the most horrendous game and the penalty shots out was by far the most disappointing. Maybe it’s the new found confidence that they have that led them to be complacent in the game, when they should not. Another disappointing game, I reckon. Dyam United, grant my wish sometimes.

Dear UNO, you’ve been an angel in this love story. Every moment is incredible when I am with you. I know I am lucky to have this blessed upon me. Thank you for another 19th. You and I both know, it’s MORE we want. ILY many.
Dear World, I hope your 19th was as exceptional as mine. :)

`fimaaa

2009-04-16T15:10:00.002+08:00

:) All that Matters
current mood: fresh

Before the journey begun with him, the moments were all that mattered. I had what I wanted right there, right then. Great friends, fantastic family and the perfect schedule to keep me occupied. I was filled, contented and pleased.

Amidst the fog, we met. Back to back, we started setting sail. Fearless, we felt like we could conquer the world. It’s amazing how the journey changes its course and how we were both set on embarking towards a common goal.

At 24 and 19, we are acting like children playing their toy cars and dollhouse. We set ourselves ambitions that need to be achieved and goals that need to be scored. We talked about nothing but the next moment, planning our step whilst the decisions we made were revolving around our common destination. It became all that matters.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the happiest I’ve felt after so long.

I’ve learnt things in this journey that I believe only life can teach.
There are people in your life, where you were born to love. They stick by you no matter what happens. Their biggest sins you forgive, because your ties remain opaque.
Then there are others, who you were destined to love. They started out as strangers, and soon, when they’ve touched the right nerves, they become your life. As far as I believe, my love for MBF was destined. What remains, is up to HIM.

Dear UNO, it’s amazing how you prove your love overtime. Yes, I stand behind you chanting that it’s our new chapter, our new life. And WE are all that matter. :)
Dear world, there are many people I love, many ambitions I’ve created, but nothing now stands stronger that what I want. I am listening to my heart, and that, brings me to places that you can’t imagine. You want to know what matters most. It’s OUR future, MBF and me. Insha’Allah

`fimaaa

2009-04-03T17:36:00.002+08:00

:) My Ugly MRT rides
current mood: short-lived-happiness

At 19 years of age, I reckon that I have had my most decent share of the ugliest MRT rides in Singapore.

On and about 7.45 AM last week, I was in the train that was headed to Jurong East. The train was packed with people who left their minds on their bed, only dragging their bodies with purposes of going to work, school and God knows where. I was standing by the door, cramped at the edge that I could feel the twitching muscle of the lady in front. Train rides in the morning is bad enough with the crowd pushing and shoving, still you or rather I have to endure the blissfully painful odor of that person who just fails to put on deodorant or perfume. I have no problems with the people who refuse to shower in the morning, but does it really hurt to roll on a nice scent before leaving your home?

The story then goes on; a young man was in the way of an older man. This led the older man rambling to the young man. Soon, they started debating. In a dialect that I could never understand, they were shouting to each other that the young man felt so provoked and pushed the older man out to the platform as older man was alighting. It did not stop there, the younger man then stepped out of the train to confront his now arch enemy. This sent my nerves to the brain and for once, I was wide awake. I was in the train, with only intentions to stop the fight but forgive me, I did not. Outside the train, on the platform of the station, the older man flung his tight writs across the face of the younger man. Only seconds had passed, the 2 men were now hitting each other on the faces, throwing unpleasant words and remarks to each other. The site was awful; it was a dispute over a silly matter and what made it worse, the young man wan about 25 and the older was about 65. Pretty ugly uh?

Then again, ugly does not even begin describing Singaporeans. Many of us, me included, fail to observe the simplest act of courtesy or kindness. We instill in our children, the younger generations, how important it is to rush to that one particular transport whilst pushing and shoving our way in despite the safety of anyone.

Here’s another story I’d love to share, about a woman with 2 children holding both on each sides of her hand. As the train was crowded with no space to spare, she pushed and shoved her way into the cabin with her children in her hands. She was in the cabin and realized that her son as he was still stuck in the crowd. This woman began pulling her son’s hand, out of no where the son appeared. Like mother, like son, you’ll see him shove his way to the crowd. It was only seconds before the door closes; the worried mother pulled the hand of her little boy. The crowd pushed him, his mother pulled him, he shoved his way in and moments later, his leg was stuck between the platform and the train. Passengers around him helped him up, just milliseconds before the door closes, he was up. This ungrateful child went in the cabin and he pushed the man that assisted him. I could only thank god that I saw nothing gruesome. But the next thing I knew I was infuriated. This mother and child then pushed their way in and DEMANDED for a seat. Ugly, guess so?

I have come to loath leaving the train at stations where Singaporeans fail to exercise the importance of ALLOWING US, passengers in the cabin, TO ALIGHT. “Give way to alighting passengers” – NOT. I found myself having to use foul language (after of course using the polite terms of “EXCUSE ME / PARDON ME” that again many Singaporeans fail understand) before I was out of the train.

Trust me I could go on longer ranting about this; but I reckon I head back to the dull life of mine. I always have MBF to rant too. He shares the same joy of ranting about public transport with me. Well, I rant, he listens. He reckons we, or rather I post complains and write to forums.

Dear UNO, how bout posting this at the forum? :)
Dear world, how bout exercising some form of courtesy the next time you’re out?

`fimaaa

2009-03-25T23:24:00.003+08:00

:) My Brief Update
current mood: 9th cloud

The laptop is a goner; I am back using the PC in the Mother's room.

Job hunting has finally come to a halt this evening. A friendly voice greeted me with the best news. There I was screaming, with MBF simply looking with a smile on his face as I fill him with the joyous mood that was engulfing me.

Speaking of which, MBF has is now everything while everything is now him. The only one who shares my comfort, my joy, my pain. Somehow, somewhere someone is stealing it away. My reply, I dare you.

A rotten child I have become yet the decision that I have made the umpteen times will remain intact and remain to be my stand. I guess I always had that in mind, only this time I had my bubbles burst. I love Mother though. Standing strong, having faith. It’s the Mother’s determination that makes me still be who I am and where I am.

Dear UNO, thank you for supporting me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for your shoulder, your comfort, your warmth. I love you, Wan Sam. Much, very. :)
Dear World, if the darkest of days stand before your now, just give it a little patience and you will see the sun shinning back on you. Trust me. After so many dark nights, MBF and I found our sunshine.

`fimaaa

2009-03-15T00:52:00.009+08:00

:) Man United’s defeat
current mood: sore

I have never been sorely disappointed by a single game that came down as a trashing. I must admit that I am not a die-hard-fan or the number-one-fan; nevertheless my whole life I stayed true to one club. Only one; Manchester United.

Maybe it was not our luck, maybe we were too confident.
I was screaming my lungs out and had my voice box on the edge on my throat on that first goal. Subsequently, I spent nearly 60 minutes later cursing and swearing, hoping and praying. The yellows, the misses, the sloppy ball, the RED, the defeat. Finally, the whistle blew, we loss.
FOUR-one is simply pathetic. Agree?

On a lighter note, I spent the day out with the family. The fourth one turned 9 today and the fifth one insisted on cutting 2 cakes. Had loads to eat, I’m turning rounder.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IZZUL HAQ. (:

UNO, I’ve missed you so much. MEET ME. HEEHEE. (:
Dear world, I miss familiar faces, roundabouts and sunshine. The dampen weather tonight just gives an impression that this night is lonelier than it seems. & I miss MBF most. ):

`fimaaa

2009-03-13T02:46:00.003+08:00

:) Me
current mood: silly

Funny how good things always manage to end. You tend to loose yourself in the happiest, craziest moment. Its when you least expected, HE takes it all away. And life, has only one way. Forward.

There is a part of me that is filled with overwhelming sense of missing school; and another, on the contrary. It's time for me to be a big girl now.

Another thing, I am tired of you not taking your own step. Please, stop being me and be you, for a change.

UNO, thank you for your support in everything I do. MBF, ILY.
Dear world, I deserve a good night rest now. Feeling silly is a tiring thing, don't you think?

PS: MBF's cat (stoink) passed on last Sunday. May he rest in peace, that adorable little cat.

`fimaaa

2009-02-28T23:34:00.006+08:00

:) The Ones That Start With "F"s

current mood: below par

Hours ago, I was blasting music from MBF’s handset, screaming out lyrics of songs on his playlist. As this moment, the handset is on medium, with rather soothing music to keep me company whilst I sit in my incredibly messy room, alone, avoiding the crowd outside. I needed time, to think, to breathe, and to compose.

My head is not doing well again. The theme park, thrill rides and the bombarding brain cells are tiring me out. See, I was never the best. I try my best to please them all, setting aside my own interest, yet it all wasn’t enough. It never was in the first place. As much as I loathe it, the agony was those diamond droplets falling off the side of her lids, making its way down to the ground. I disappointed them.

& somehow, I miss this.

Last 19th, My shinning star turned 6. Happy Birthday IFU. (:

UNO, it amazes me what you see in a girl who has nothing. It amazes me that you chose to love a girl who was no one. It amazes me that we’re where we are. ILY.
Dear world, all I want now, is for MBF and them family to be happy. Please. Pretty please?

`fimaaa

2009-02-15T01:10:00.009+08:00

:) Squeezing Out The Brain Juice
current mood: drenched

I am slowly rowing the boat as I am reaching my final checkpoint. Ironically, amidst the water, I feel dehydrated and bushed. Tired from all the pain and agony, I find myself adding on the exhaustion by planning for the road that lies ahead after that final turn. Engulfing me is fear of not being where I placed myself in my wildest imagination. I expected too much from myself; failing over again to understand that expectations leads to disappointments. Yet, this is not the time for fear, disappointments or weakness. I have to drag myself to make it through the weeks. I know that the weeks will turn to days, and days to hours, and hours to minutes; and soon it will all be over. No more projects, no more test. Next, it’s hello working life.

By the way, I made a big blunder today and caused trouble for him, yet he smiles and say ILY. :)

UNO, as I sat there by your side, watching every line in your face curling, every mussel twitching, my mind played images of us since a year ago. It was beautiful, not perfect but it was perfectly imperfect for me. Excatly a year ago you did someting amazing, and when asked about it today, you simply blew my mind with your answer.

"I don't regret anything and I love seeing you with me like this."

ILY today, more than I did yesterday.
Dear World, so how was YOUR day?

Ooh, for you who did celebrate, Happy Valentine's. :)

‘fimaaa

2009-02-10T01:42:00.000+08:00

:) Conversations
current mood: hehe,hoho.

When he spills his heart and she’s lost for words. That is when time stops and they stand still, loving each moment.

She: Baby, what do you want for us in the future?
He: I want us to last, to be soul-partners.
She: Soul mates?
He: Yes. Soul mates. If it is possible, I want that with you.
_________________________________________

She: Maybe when we decide to stay together, before starting a family; we can get a small apartment.
He: But that's hard baby.
She: Why?
He: Because you and me, we're already a family.
_________________________________________

We were high, like Shakespeare in love.

UNO, maybe I love showing you off. HAAA. (:
Dear world, let's live in dreams till the clouds fall on us. Good night you.

2009-02-05T01:13:00.005+08:00

:) Loosing Something Precious
current mood: pissed

When I turned 19, one of my best gift was a one button A/X coat given by the boyfriend himself. The coat was beautiful, with grey sweatshirt material on the inside and black cotton on the outside. It fitted nicely and I had it on me at least 3 times a week. It became a part of me.

2 days ago, as I was busy in the school lab, printing my materials, rushing through time for my project submission, I carelessly placed my birthday gift on a chair beside me. After minutes of printing and compiling my stuff all together, I packed my bag and went off. Before leaving the lab, I glanced back at my seat to ensure that I left nothing behind. THERE WAS NOTHING.

I left the lab, submitted my project. Next on my schedule was to prepare for my test and sit for my test. Later that day, then it occurred to me that I was missing something. I was not at any point of the day holding on to my birthday present since I left the lab.

I rushed down to the lab and as I predicted it was gone. I know I was careless but I swear I did not leave it behind. I vividly remember turning and seeing nothing. It then occurred to me, some Chinese girls passed my desk before leaving the lab. So, you put the pieces together.

Boyfriend and myself, are both equally pissed and upset about this incident. If you happen to see a girl wearing this particular coat, please call me.

The details of the coat :

Brand: Armani Exchange
Colour:Black
Size: S
One front button (button is black plastic)
Has a grey sweatshirt interior with white printed designs (& the word "Armani Exchange")
& if you lift the collar around the neck, there are blue patterns on it. (it's my favourite part of it)

So, will you help? :(

UNO, I am sorry for this incident. Thank you for making me smile when I was down. ILY.
Dear World, I loathe loosing things. I am such a scatterbrain. *dush*

`fimaaa

2009-02-02T02:52:00.001+08:00

:) ILY
current mood: sleepy

Just a note before bedtime.

ILY, for all the times you've cracked your brains for our dates, for all the first(s) that we both shared, for the times you wiped off my tears, for laughing at my lamest jokes, for holding my hand when I look the ugliest, for making me yours.

ILY, for the time you said "remind me to never leave you", for doing the things we do when we say our good byes, for hanging on the phone even if we have nothing to say, for telling me that you hate me just because I am not beside you, for being mine and staying this way.

Many moments were lived with you being my favourite person. However, I cannot deny that when we argue, you will be my least favourite person. Even so, I still do care about you.

Mhd Erwan Sam, ILY. Enough said.
Dear world, good night.

`fimaaa

2009-02-01T18:44:00.002+08:00

:) the Random update
current mood: blergh.

I am currently, on my bed at 6 PM in the evening of this Sunday, 1st February 2009, still in my Joker Tee that I used out yesterday, dreading my life with my project due 9AM tomorrow and a couple of tests in the next 2 days, which of both the project and tests, I have yet to start and study for. I plead guilty of blogging at this time, but I needed a breather.
And I can gladly say, if its God's willing, I'll be graduating by March and out of that school by then. HEHE.

While all this is happening every known second to me, I still consider myself lucky. MBF has been my happy pills lately. Having him a daily dose is the best medicine. He makes me happy as I have made him, at least I think I made him happy. :)

On another note, until I have pledge to become a daily blogger, do not expect this blog to be the best blogs you've clicked on. & that, is just my style. My blog, has no need for your approval; its just my mind speaking up. I loathe beings who mocks the blogs of others or beings who are just dumb enough to not type their names on the tag board when they critique a writer. I reckon beings as such need to stop and start living their wasted life properly. What say you?

& I need to do updates like this regularly; it helps me think about my life,what I WANT to share to my readers and improve my typing skills.

UNO,*eeee* we had a fantastic year don't you agree? More so, please. :)
DEAR WORLD, dummdeedumm. I am restless, can you tell?

`fimaaa

2009-01-15T12:49:00.005+08:00

:) Impulse
current mood: SICK&TIRED. literally.

I wanted to update, but nothing seems interestingly open enough to share with the world. Next time perhaps? :)

By The Way,
Click The Icon.

Now, I take my leave while SCREEEEAMMINGG for 9-TEEEN*

UNO, this Sunday, it's a date. You, me and US. :)
Dear world, ONE, UNO, SATU. We. yeah!

`fimaaa

2008-12-28T01:18:00.007+08:00

:) biggest fan
current mood: sneeze-zy

2009 is coming.
My resolutions for the coming year:

Get that Diploma
Find a decent job
Go fashion crazy
Spend quality time with the family
BE FRANK
Love the boy better :)

& I swear that I am MBF's biggest fan.

Dear UNO, you-me. In good&bad times, that's how it's going to stay.
I love you. No doubt about it, fool.
Dear world, I am too caught up in love with MBF that I do mind getting to know other people. MBF is my wan&only, clearly. :)

Do have a Happy Christmas & Merry New Year!

`fimaaa

2008-12-21T23:57:00.012+08:00

:) a little too long.
current mood: dull-ly gery-ish

It has been ages since I went to this page and my mind can't work out the events that I want to share with the world. Many seconds have passed and life has been super wonderful. The changes that I faced recently, have subside and yes, I feel fantastic having MBF around, helping me cope with it.

I love waking up every morning, knowing that the people I truly care about still stick around, staying by my side, loving me regardless of my flaws. Like how I love knowing that in any circumstances, the family has always got my back like I have got theirs. & I love the fact that I don't need to try to impress MBF for him to stick around, he is already sticking to me like glue. HAHA.

& TPE/SLE has become my daily routine again. :) Good bye SLP!

UNO, the 9-teen passed again. You & I were both wonderfools. :)
I really LOVE you, thank you.
Dear world, I love waking up in the morning with the smelliest breath and ugliest face, and having the best person by my side, kissing me and whispering in my ears that he loves me, sending shivers down my spine.
Because it should not be about the make up or the perfume; it should be about me.

& "it" being love. As they say, the person who loves you will still find you beautiful in your ugliest state & mine would be in the early mornings.

`fimaaa

2008-11-26T10:46:00.000+08:00

:) changes
current mood: odd

I walked a weird path the other day. Something about it seems oddly familiar. I felt time travel, back to a year ago and in split seconds I reminded myself that it was a different path all together. I gathered my strength while walking through what seems like a lifetime of changes. I have always despised changes.
Nevertheless, this will be alright; at least that is what I am telling myself. Even MBF tells me that. :)

&yes, I hate lawyers with an arse for attitude. CHILL MAN!

UNO, I have always loved your messages. & I love you more. :)
Dear world, treasure every second whiles it last; it won’t come back. :)

`fimaaa

:) moving away

2008-11-24T16:26:00.014+08:00

:) moving away
current mood: mundane

Nights back, under the moonlight, we held hands while strolling along the river. I saw nature and architecture at its best, yet I was not amazed. That night, it was not about nature or how wonderful the structures complimented each other; that night was about the treasure I held tight in my hand. Silently I prayed that the night would not end. The seconds were perfect, the minutes felt like they were mine. But the more the hours passed, the more I dreaded time. That night, I had you in my arms. That night, I fell for you again. I had hopes for tomorrow not coming and the night, not ending. Foolish, I know I was.
The next day came, I could not stop fate. I felt little, I felt so small. I burned my eyes with ignominious tears. The familiar pathway will become unknown. The routine will soon be gone. I know am stronger than this, I'll learn to adapt to these changes. But just how much more changes must I take?
----------

Dear God

AX7

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line

Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

While I recall all the words you spoke to me

Can't help but wish that I was there

Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is

to hold her when I'm not around

when I'm much too far away

We all need that person who can be true to you

But I left her when I found her

And now I wish I'd stayed

'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired

I'm missing you again oh no

Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road

There's no one here while the city sleeps

and all the shops are closed

Can't help but think of the times I've had with you

Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is

to hold her when I'm not around

when I'm much too far away

We all need that person who can be true to you

I left her when I found her

And now I wish I'd stayed

'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired

I'm missing you again oh no

Once again

----------

I know I am the biggest disappointment to the people who cares enough about me; so please do yourself a favour, get away from me.

Dear UNO, if only I was much bigger and stronger to change our fate, maybe then we can be like before. Circumstances might have changed, but my feeling is all the same, I still love you. :)

Dear world, My weekend was fantastic; Saturday with the boy, Sunday with the family. & yes, pictures of Sunday to be posted on the new site SOON (or maybe soon enough). :)

`fimaaa

2008-11-20T14:17:00.005+08:00

:) rewind & pause
Current mood: care-less

If I had a time machine, I’d have make time stand still when you are by my side, and when nothing else matters.
If I had a time machine, I’d have rewind and play back all our time spent together, so I can see you smile over and again.
If I had a time machine, I’d have pause every time your skin touch mine, and make it all last longer.
If I had a time machine, I’d have stop time when I am in your arms, just so I can stay in there forever.

But I don’t have a time machine. I can’t rewind, pause or play time. So I’ll live by telling myself every moment that your smile is why I am here, your touch is why I am me, YOU are why I am happy and I know you will always be there for me.
I kept our memories in my heart, and although I don’t have a time machine, I am sure I’ll relive these precious moments because you created them with me.

The days have been beautiful with you. And the moments means much more. Thank you.

UNO, 9-teen was as perfect as it should be. Thank you. ILY.
Dear world, although I am stuck in this metropolitan world, I am the happiest 9-teen year old because I have my family, friends and MBF with me, always. Go, hate me or envy me, love me or despise me, I can’t care less. :)

`fimaaa

2008-11-18T14:19:00.002+08:00

:) routine
Current mood: :(

If work is not dull, maybe I’ll consider it as a full time thing. I constantly need to be pushed, if not kicked to stay on my toes.

I need therapy, entertainment or maybe a time machine to fast forward this. Pronto baby, because I am loosing it.

UNO, somehow I know tomorrow will be better with you by my side. I am half way there, please continue holding my hand. :)
Dear world, if there is one thing I learnt out of this, it's this -
Life is not fair, better get use to it.

`fimaaa

2008-11-16T01:23:00.005+08:00

:) Date with Mommy
Current mood: beat

Work's dragging me down and I've missed my mother. After granny's we both headed town and had a whole lot of good fun. I made mommy's cash disappear from her purse. It's a cool trick that I am sure many have learned and mastered. :þ

Of course the rest of the pictures are at the new site. :)

I have to make public apologies to 3 people;
Firstly, I made mommy's cash fly during dinner, I am sorry mommy.
Secondly, boy with white tee, shorts and soda all over, I am sorry stranger.
Lastly, kind man with mop and bucket, I am sorry you had extra chores.

Now, I am sure you all can guess what happened during dinner. The butter in my fingers won't leave me alone since I was a kid. And maybe lady luck was just not there for all of us. Other than that, my night was woderful. I love mommy! :)

UNO, the best was the call saying "the boy did not bathe and so it's not your fault." You can turn tables round and round and carve a smile on me. &Oh, ILY for that. :)
Dear World, make sunshine come faster, I am missing it. :)

`fimaaa

2008-11-14T10:32:00.006+08:00

:) A month updates
Current mood: sleepy

The blog has once again been ignored. But the tagboard has finally seen its share of fun, and I look forward to the next comment. UNO was fantastic when he heard the news; he turned the tables around for me and became the boy I never knew. He made me smile and laugh like an infant, while whispering to my ears, “I won’t let anyone bring you down.”
----------
The typical updates now for my readers to read (though I believe that I am the only fan of my blog)

Birthday celebration and Hari Raya open house was great on the 27th; friends and family came over bringing joy to my occasion. It was birthday with sister, so now hear me say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNA! Mommy was most kindest to hire a helper for the day, just so sis and me can go have fun. Granny was there helping with the preparations. The cake was supereb thanks to my sis and herBF. Meeting my ever so lovely poly gunnduus and the ever so rocking secondary pals have been highlight of the day. The best of all was the lovely surprise MBF gave me. He came, stayed till late and met the family. Whole of it. Thank you all. :)

29th came, but it fell on a Wednesday. Everyone at work was extra kind, letting me off the hook for many things. MBF came to fetch me, we had a lovely night and when it was time to go, he promised a Saturday that I will never forget.

SATURDAY finally came, after so long. My heart was pumping so loudly that day. I screamed of joy, of happiness! LOVE made me a princess and I was running around. I had fun, I was loved. It’s now became a memory, the sweetest so far. :) “CABERUL-CAR” was my favourite of all. Thank you for a whole week of fun, I had him coming every night for me after work. :)
----------
Currently, I am work. Counting down days till I am free from the chores of keeping up with dates and deadlines. This is definitely not the choice of career for my future. I have craved out various choices for myself, just hoping that I would not end up disappointing myself by not achieving any of the paths. God, bless me more please.

& I LOVE my family & MBF, UNO. :)

Ouhg, one more thing. My multiply is up again. I don't know how long that will last, let's just sit and see if my fingers itch again in the future.

UNO, you have been the best of friend. I love sitting, lauging and rotting with you. I love seeing sparkels in your eyes when you laugh with me and AT me. You, my sunshine, always. :) ILY.

Dear world, I won't know how much longer I will take for the next entry. Just do drop by every now and then. Who knows, I have some gossips to share. :þ Till then, have a very good Friday. And thank god for it, last working day of the week. Oh, the joy.

PS: 9-teen is coming again! Oh boy, don't you love that number!

`fimaaa

2008-10-05T00:09:00.000+08:00

:) Tinted&ugly
Current mood: Angst

I am having migraine and I was fighting to catch my breath. I feel sorry for my mother, a rotten child sits in a room in her house. Some humans are just inhuman. & I am one of them.
If you think your day was bad, I'll bet you that mine is worse.

&I also miss this dearly. :(

UNO, 1 + 1= Us. :) ILY
Dear world, I cannot wait to see my sunshine again.

'fimaaa

2008-09-30T12:00:00.001+08:00

:) The eve of things
Current mood: sleepy

The last day of the month, and I am seated right here at the reception table for the AM shift. Work has been rather dull I shall say. But lawyers have been generous about date lines. :)

Hari Raya, the day I usually have a countdown for seems so plain this year. Maybe, its just because it falls in the middle of the week, not here, not there. Bad experience with this year tailor leaves me not loving my new outfit for tomorrow. Mom's too lazy to bake goodies this year, only baking her ever so lovely pineapple tarts - the only one I eat. My room is still untidy, and I dread the final clean ups. Finally, I got no shoes, no bags. Though, boyfriend did mention that he was buying me a pair. :)
So that's, this year Raya.

To the many Muslims out there, especially those I have come in acquaintance with, those I have loved or loathe knowing,
SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN!
Not one human is perfect, so forgive me.

UNO, I've missed your company. Works been dreadful but let's try and have fun with the little time we both have with each other. Hand in hand, maybe always. Selamat Hari Raya to you, and forgive my biggest SINS. I LOVE YOU.
Dear world, next countdown, 29 days. :) dummdeedumm.

`fimaaa

2008-09-17T13:54:00.002+08:00

:) Shooting Star
Current mood: Sleepy

I felt this way (just as the author described) a few days back. Read on.

It had started rough and things just got worse with each second passing. I felt like fate was punishing me. Beating me hard, like how the ocean ruthlessly beats the shore. I wept like a crying child as I felt the pain in my chest. Screaming at the top of my lungs, yet no one pays attention. I drown in nothing less than melancholy and felt as though I was alone in this world with no one giving a care.

The sun sat and the grey blanketed the sky. I dialed his number and asked for a friend. He came down by and we stood silently together. We were side by side on that balcony, just the stars and us. He held my hand and he held it tight. And he said he doesn't want this tonight. I cried even bitterly as he had me in his arms. I know he meant it, I know he cared. I cried because I was wrong. I wasn't alone, I have him as I have had always. And so, I know things will be fine.

With me in his arms and him in mine, I stared at the sky and watched the stars. The night was beautiful despite the hours before. I thought to myself and told him later, “Won’t it be nice if we get to see shooting stars together.” He held me tighter than he did before. And I shut my eyes and sunk my head into his shoulder.

Minutes later I peeped at the beautiful sky. The sight of the next moment amazed me. It was up there in the sky. Just as I had wished for. A star was flying by up in the sky. I called to him and we both looked. I giggled like a 3-year old and smiled at him. There was nothing wrong with the moment, everything was perfect.

He asked me to make a wish, as he was making his. I smiled looking at him, because he’s all that I have ever wished for. I made no wish of my own and just prayed for his to come true. My night was perfect and I hope his was too.
----------
A quick update, I am now an intern in Straits Law Practice LLC. (: Oh, the joy of work. Blerghh!
&13 more days to my favourite day. :)

UNO, even if we are at the roughest of time, I never fail to think of you or love you. You are simply my best bet and I would not trade you anything. (:

Dear world, have a great afternoon. I am leaving for court soon. & I LOVE YOU.

`fimaaa

2008-09-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

:) Ramadhan.
current mood: silly

Herperfectlyimperfectlife, has been ignored, again. Nevertheless, having me taking a long rest from typing shits on my blog does not stop anyone or anything. The blog, must sadly have been forgotten. -.-

Anyway, one of my favourite months have arrived. I cannot wait for countless night trips to Geylang bazaar to window shop, shop, eat, drink and maybe just hang around there. It just the time of the year where Muslims and some non-Muslims love to gather there. Well maybe not gather, just hang around there to look for festive goodies, clothing and of course, Singapore's favourite, FOOD. Dengdengs are yummy!

Work starts in about 5 days. So many things to think about. Making the right impression or will I remember the laws correctly. What if i fumble on the job? There are 3 other students posted at my firm. Can you imagine the competition later. I badly want to score well for my internship. You, wish me luck. :)

UNO has been somehow perfect. I cannot count the number of smiles I have been having lately, but all I know is that he's been the reason for most of them.
Muhammad Erwan, I Love you.

Dumdeedumdeedum. Good night silly old world.

"Biler nak jadi anak mummy?" :) UNO, you rawk!

`fimaaa

2008-08-18T01:11:00.002+08:00

:) The conflicts
current mood: distraught

My heart felt that it needed a little rest and it skipped a couple of beats. The muscles agree with it, not realizing that it would affect my whole system. If one has low blood pressure, the heart cannot choose to rest. No matter how tired or how distraught, it must keep beating. However if I could choose, I'd choose for it to rest. I am drained from endless squabbles with almost every one and I've realized that just maybe, this was it. This was it to my life and this is all there will be to it. 5 years down the road, I fear for things might not change.

Yet, I'll always remember that the darkest of night is just before the dawn. Everything will be falling into place all over again. And the dawn is coming soon. I can feel it coming. (:

Estimado familia, realmente espero que poder aprender entendernos mejor. Amo cada uno. Realmente.
UNO, mi y solamente, estoy apesadumbrado para todo. Sepa por favor eso, usted será siempre mi bebé. Todavía le amo y le amaré siempre. Con amor, su novia.
El world más estimado, no toma por favor amor lejos de mí. Buonas noches.

`fimaaa

2008-08-09T00:35:00.000+08:00

:) 08-08-08
current mood: worried

I'll remember 08-08-08. It was his reason & it saved me from making one of the biggest mistake in my life. The day turned out bittersweet. Things turned from devastating to memorable. Socializing was a complete turn off today, so I turned to my one and only. And I do consider myself lucky to have such a great company. :)

& In case you missed out, the Olympics opening ceremony was a complete WOW and Singapore turns 43 today. So, Happy Birthday dear Country.

Dear UNO, you make me happy, when skies are grey. ILY. :)
Oh world, you must know that there's nothing I love more than my own sunshine. Good night now.

'fimaaa

2008-08-05T01:34:00.004+08:00

:) Mundane

current mood: blah

I did mean to blog on several occasions & there were a couple of unfinished drafts in my posting page. I guess that the heavy bones inside of me just got the best of me.

Life is getting mundane. The same old routine every other day. I am tired of running my own life, being the main character. Well, not literally. See, being me, I am not allowed to run my own show. Oh yes, I am the main character. But I'm not the script writer nor am I the director who plans the way my story goes. Many other cast pulls my string, stealing away my decisions and breaking my stand. Maybe I am the main character in my life, yet somehow I feel like I am a trapped puppet, waiting for the strings to snap. Enlighten me with inspirations or simply kick me in the head and wake me up will you?

On another note, a couple of annoyingly loud twins I know turned 24 lately. There were no celebration arrangements made prior to the birthday, therefore the birthday celebration for them turned out simple with a simple cake cutting session and hopefully that was memorable for them.

So now world, meet my 24 year old. :) He's my half of the twin and also my other half.

I simply love his new hair cut. I think it makes him look younger and if you know me well enough, you'd know that I simply love this hair cut on him. :)

(And now, you can stop reading this post, unless you want to hear me go on being mushy.)

Dear UNO,
Day in and day out, I look forward to meeting you and seeing your face. The days and the time I spent without you, are simply days and time I spent missing you. Even if it's just a dinner or meeting me for a second, know that the moments having you around, means most to me. You're always the best part of my day. And as I've said, it's your birthday, but I've got the best gift. YOU. HAPPY 24 again. Sorry, you've got nothing special for your birthday this year. My bad.
PS: I Love You.

Oh, goodnight world. I am already missing him, it's been hard.

`fimaaa

2008-07-20T23:21:00.001+08:00

:) sixth
current mood: fatigued

I must admit I am turning into an addict. Six months was all we have had and I have found myself to be so attached. If this is not love, I don't know what is.

UNO, you're the best dyam thing that ever happened to me. ILY
Dear world, the nineteen came and go yet again. It's been half a year since I am all smiles again. Thank you. Have a good night now. :)

`fimaaa

2008-07-15T12:00:00.003+08:00

:) my long entry.

current mood: sleepy

The weekend was nothing but a fantastic one. Spent a night at Rasa Sentosa Resort with the family. From the room, to breakfast, to swimming, to bubble bath, to arcade games, to pool table, to table tennis and finally to a great family, how could I have not enjoyed it.

`Le feme

Sunday's Spongebob theme party sure makes me one of the happiest guest, going home with many of his goodies. Pastries and chocolate fondue. Brownies and cupcakes. :) And I really miss being a 3 year old!

& didn't you know, I LOVE him. :)

Finally, to end it off well, nicely spread dinner over at Amiran's Cafe and a night roaming around town, with family, family's friend and one of the best companion (aka. HANONEK) was like a Cherry on my Chocolate Fudge Cake. The weekend was all about having good company and spreads of scrumptious FOOD!

I reckon I should get myself my own Multiply so that I can dump all my photos for all to see. Yet again, I still don't believe that I have loyal readers or any readers that are bothered enough to click on my multiply to view pictures of, yours truly, ME.

On a side note, the boyfriend and I have been going on for roller coaster rides almost everyday. It was to the point where we were holding on to our stomach's content, not willing to let it spill as it gets even more dizzy after each round. Finally, we decided to evacuate our seats before things got uglier. Leaving the roller coaster, I turned and saw a side of him that I really missed. I smiled to him then to myself, thinking that I am the luckiest person to have gone through all that and survived, with him by my side. :)

Dear UNO, I wanted to list down the things you have done for me and it surprisingly turned out short.

EVERYTHING.

Dear world, everyday is a new day. Leave yesterday for it is the past and live today as a moment of its own. I am blessed to feel this much love around me. Have a nice Tuesday. :)

`fimaaa

2008-07-05T22:01:00.000+08:00

:) waiting
current mood: pissed

Waiting.
Waiting for the day when smiles and laughter meant as much as before.
Waiting for a simple message to help enlighten me.
Waiting for time to pass till I see you again.
In the depths of my mind, maybe I do hate waiting.

UNO, hold my hand and take me with you. &ILY
Good night dear world, I am waiting still.

`fimaaa

2008-06-30T01:54:00.001+08:00

:) bedtime
current mood: down

Just as life seems bright, the clouds turned grey and you'll know it when it's about to rain cats and dogs. Right now, I feel like a bird, caged up and gasping for freedom. I tired so hard to rant at the world at large, but it seems like no matter how hard I am shouting, no one seems to hear me.

Time seems to be slipping away fast while I am still here hoping that it would stay just a moment longer for me. I am way overdue for projects and submissions and everything else had to fall perfectly on my most imperfect day of the week, today.

I cannot stress this further, just know that at the end of the day, and maybe at every second of the day, he's my desire. THIS 24-year-old and NOT any other. And at the end of the day, I want to live for my own happiness.

UNO, this day seems to have contradict this whole week. If it's meant to be, we'll make it through. As for now, know that I am giving it all I've got for this to work. ILY, with every beat of my heart. :)
Dear world, tonight seems wrong. Please make it alright. Good night. :)

`fimaaa

2008-06-21T10:52:00.001+08:00

:) fifth
current mood: PMS

I like crying in his arm, just because I feel a little pain somewhere. But I love it more when he hold me in his arms and tell me that it will be fine. In case anyone is wondering, he's making me happy. And maybe, just maybe I feel like I am the happiest girl in the world. The nineteenth was a blast.

UNO, you mean the world. :)
Good morning world.

`fimaaa

2008-06-17T01:57:00.000+08:00

:) him
current mood: full!

Sometimes in our lives, we come across crossroads leaving us with 2 options. There exist in us a fear that our decisions will either hurt someone or eventually bring us to a path worse than where we were from. And most times, the options are not easy; it may for example be between biting the hands that feed us and breaking the heart of a loved one.
----------
If there is something the world needs to know is that, I am in love with my boyfriend. An option for another or for something that the world bids to be better for me, is not an option I want to take.

& no matter what others have to offer, I choose him.

Because he's the best. :)
UNO, it's only you.
Oh world, good night.

`fimaaa

2008-06-02T00:36:00.000+08:00

:) moments like this.
current mood: stressed out.

I have had a good week and I am looking forward for the next one. I really have to be thankful that my life turned out this way. Despite all the pain and agony of being me, I have found a joy in my life. Despite being thorn down once, twice and even for the third time, I managed to stand up and push away sorrows to enjoy moments like this with everyone that matters. Life's treating me alright.
The one thing I got from all this, is to appreciate everything that comes in my way.
& my advice, do not turn around at others and mock them for the way the live their life, even if they live in a lie. Because yours ain't perfect too.

Lastly, I just want to share this.

& so he says. (:

UNO, you'll always be a part of me.
Dear world, it was a blast. Good night.

`fimaaa

2008-05-23T00:36:00.003+08:00

:) MY twenty second
current mood: most content

Sometimes you need to press the pause button, and just appreciate the person right before your eyes. Open your heart and savour each precious moment you have. As they say, time is gold. And world, trust me when I say do not waste it on petty stuff. Because it breaks you more than you think it does.
I learnt this on my twenty second.

I also learnt that it does not take a gem stone to ease my aching heart. Just a simple action, a simple move and he turned my day around. It's just him being him again, and tonight, I fell in love with him all over again. I guess he holds the key to my happiness right now, and I wish that key will never be found by any other.

UNO, trust me when I say I love you because I KNOW I really do.
Oh, good night world. Hopefully you learnt something on your twenty second too. :)

`fimaaa

2008-05-20T23:54:00.006+08:00

:) CONGRATULATIONS

current mood: groggy

He's officially a racer on the road from today on. & I am so proud of him.

UNO, nothing compares in this world to you. And I'll bet you on that. :)

Oh world, beautiful isn't it, to have someone as special in your life?
Good night.

`fimaaa

2008-05-19T23:13:00.003+08:00

:) just a little personal.
current mood: in love

If I am disgusting you right now, I apologize. There is always the "x" button on the top right of this window and I would be most glad if you were to press it. :)
This entry is a little too personal. My fingers are itching, and my heart contents need to be poured out. So here I am again, typing. :)
--------

Love.
It's might be his smile or his laughter. Maybe it's his touch. He's just one like no other. He was always there when I was down. He held me up and turned my world around. In the hardest of time he stood by me. Just to see me smile and fill me up with glee. A million times I proved to be unworthy. I broke him up, yet he showed mercy.
My boyfriend, he's the best. He's my sunshine in day and night.
----------
UNO, fourth. Perfection does not exist and today proves it. Thank you for standing there still. Holding my hand and not willing to let it go. If it's us against the world, I stand not behind you but beside you. And if God willing, we will make it through. Walk with me the path we both are heading to, and hold my hand as I will yours. And I won't deny it, UNO, I LOVE YOU.

Oh beautiful world, tell the person you love that you love them before its too late. Good night. :)

`fimaaa

2008-05-07T02:50:00.001+08:00

:) not a good one.
current mood: depressed

Neglecting blogger, clearly shows that I have got a life outside that needs my attending to. Having no loyal readers in your blog avoids the ever lasting nags to update, which is seriously a good thing. Tonight however, I need to rant so badly.
----------
I've been down in the dumps with everyone lately. Familiar faces have become a distance picture and my lazy self refuse to run after them. I know for certain many unwanted chats are cycling around. Therefore, keeping a distance is the best choice I have. I know running away does not solve anything, but it's really what I am comfortable with right now.

On another note, love has not been treating me right. The wheel has took a turn and it refuse to go back up. Moments ago my heart shattered as I heard the words I have feared to hear for 3 months now. Love proves everything right. How imperfect a person is and how humans are never a distance from making a mistake. I wanted it to last. Really. Yet, silly old me have to just always spoil it all.

& I am sorry.
---------
UNO, let's hold hands and be right back on track. I miss you.
Oh, good night. I wish tomorrow's better.

`fimaaa

2008-04-19T02:20:00.001+08:00

:) silly moments.

current mood: heavenly

My eyes met his smile and right there I knew it was right though all maybe wrong. I enjoy silly moments with him, laughing our heads off and not caring about the world. Though he denies it, he give me all the attention I need. He is the best. :)

THRID is the number today.
UNO, I love you.
Oh, good night. I am looking forward for day light.

`fimaaa

2008-04-11T01:54:00.002+08:00

:) ADAM&EVE.
current mood: insecure

Have it ever bothered you why humans are always prone to makings sins sometimes by following their hearts? Like how Adam followed his heart, chose to eat the forbidden fruit and yet he was wronged? OR why was it that knowing it was a sin, he still followed his heart and took a leap in faith? If he knew it was wrong, why did he do it?
I bet you've experienced this. This moment of folly.
& as for me, I know that it will never be, or rather, I know that it's wrong from the start, all of it is wrong. Yet, I am still here. Why?
Does it bother you why hearts are made that way? Because it seems to bother me. A lot.
----------
On another note, Happy 9-teen bestfriend.
I love you

---------
UNO's touchdown made me smile. Now, make that last.
Oh, good night you.

`fimaaa

2008-04-09T01:17:00.000+08:00

:) time again.
current mood: whiny&irritated

The room is empty and there is no music playing. Yet it feels noisy.
My body is aching and my stomach is playing along with my cycle.

I need attention. Spare me yours.
Oh, good night world.

`fimaaa

2008-04-07T01:17:00.001+08:00

:) BOBOY.
current mood: worried

I feel like a woman on a mission. And boy, I want to do it right this once. The best part is day by day, I know I am overcoming a fear. Thank you for the chance, and little one, please be alright. :)
--------
Have you ever noticed that when you miss someone, time seems to move slower. Each passing second seems to hurt worse than the previous one. And it gets harder to pretend that it does not affect you, when it actually does. Yet, knowing the fact that the person you miss, misses you too, heals a lot of open wounds. Just do not spoil the moment with that person. How you react when you miss someone, can cause two totally different endings. And one, might just spoil everything. Cliche. Not that simple is it, to miss someone?

Oh, good night world.
I miss him.

`fimaaa

2008-04-06T00:38:00.003+08:00

:) mother's day.

current mood: beat

For everything she's done, she's the best.

HAPPY FORTH-4th BIRTHDAY MUMMY!

Celebration was at Seoul Garden. Thank you daddy. (:

I love the family. :)

----------

On a side note, honeymoon period seems to fade away. Desperate as it seems, it feels like I am holding on to a straw as I drown deeper in the open sea. Life vest seems to have failed to function. The water starts rushing in, sinking inside my lungs, leaving me desperate for fresh oxygen. I cried hopelessly for help, yet no one could hear my screams. Deep inside I pray for him to save me, for I fear I won't make it through.
---------
I will start counting days again tomorrow.

Four days honey, & I will await for your arrival. I miss you already. :)

&UNO, I love you still despite all that.
Good night.

`fimaaa

2008-04-03T01:38:00.002+08:00

:) random strikes.
current mood: tired

Many times in life we set out in search of our happiness. Trying to find definitions and meaning to why exist a certain feeling in our lives. Different people, different personalities yet the goals of these people are the same. Who wouldn't want to end up happy in their lives? We fall in and out of the circle of happiness like it is a routine, slowly getting immune to the annoying pain and always holding our breathes for the next fall, hoping somehow that something better is up ahead. And I guess the endurance makes us stronger. It's just natural for us to fall and stand up back again. At the end of it, the happiness seems sweeter than it ever was due to the bruises we got from the earlier falls.
&the happiness seems to come mostly from love. No wonder it's not that easy to find.

I am glad to have found him. He who apologized for the delay in the entrance into my life. But I guess that doesn't matter, and what matters is that he's with me now. He is numero uno. :)
&UNO, Te iu besc.

Good night everyone.

`fimaaa

2008-04-01T11:51:00.004+08:00

:) alone with you.
current mood: foolish

Foolish is when,
When there's a crowd, yet it feels like we're alone.
When the clock is ticking, yet it feels like it has stopped.
When the heart is beating, yet it gets hard to breathe.
When the hands sweat, yet it feels calm inside.
When the actions are sins, yet it the only thing you want to do.
When the mind is tired, yet it search for his voice.
&
That's when you know, that he has got you good.
That's when you know, you are in love.
----------
My mind's been blocked lately. Plenty of reasons to update, yet my fingers were just not up for it and my brain just could not reason out on what to type. Life has been doing its usual roller coaster and somehow I find it amusing what it has in store for us all. Nevertheless, for each problem that we have faced and overcome, it has brought us to another level in our lives. Be thankful, really.

It's the fools day today, and I am proud to say that I am one a fool in love.
Happy April Fool world and have a really good night. :)

`fimaaa

2008-03-22T02:47:00.005+08:00

:) moments.

current mood: thankful

I miss silly moments with them. I miss laughing my heads off, knowing that no matter what happens the next day we will be there for each other. I miss our after school routines. They don't come by often, girlfriends like them. And I love every bit and inch of these 2 girls. They are really beautiful people.

We shared moments that I will always treasure. & they are the ones, I will want to keep till the end.

----------
& I am also thankful I came across another beautiful soul.

He was just there, always. And he saved me from my insanity and created another wolrd for me. One just for me

&Uno, Ich Liebe Dich.

Oh, good night you.

'fimaaa

2008-03-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

:) While I was Sleeping.
current mood: missing you

~~★uno★~~ sent 18/3/2008 5:11 AM:
i'll alwayz bring u along in my heart.

& there, a simple message to bring me through the passing days.
----------
Today I found myself counting seconds as it passes by. I am already missing a single scent.
& I celebrate the SECOND alone but I know it will be fine. :)

On a side note, my heart beat has been racing today that I can feel my it in my fingers. It's like you are in your journey home with a bad report card and you just know that as you reach home something bad is bound to happen. It's that feeling.

Anyway, I miss something sexy.
Oh, Good night world.

'fimaaa

2008-03-17T02:00:00.001+08:00

:) gray scale.
current mood: famished

If insecurities is a crime then, I am guilty of it.
And slowly but surely, I am letting it get inside of me. Save me before I ruin it. I am already poisoning my own mind.

I miss you.
Good night world.

'fimaaa

2008-03-14T02:11:00.004+08:00

:) CHEAP DATES.
current mood: sleepy

If you only have ten bucks and you want to spend a lovely evening with your significant other, here's one way.
Spend some time in a mart and pretend that you are doing your weekly groceries shopping with him/her. Get a tub of Ice cream, one flavour which both of you would enjoy. Buy some bread to go with that and maybe one large MacDonald's French Fries would be a perfect side dish. Next procced to some place quiet where both of you can adorably enjoy the tub together. There, spending your time talking and enjoying each other's company. Hear him/her cracking up jokes just to see you smile and you making yourself look foolishly cute in front of him/her. Cuddling under the stars and not being aware of the surroundings. It's a simple night, just you, him/her and that ice-cream. And I'll leave the rest of the night up for your imagination. :)
At the end of the day, it's about spending your time with that significant other and nothing less than that.

Cheap dates, and there are many other ways for it. Try it. Not all dates need tons of money. Girls, give your guys a break please and learn to just enjoy simple moments with him. :)
----------
If forever exist, I want to stay with you forever.
& I mean every word I said.
Anyway today is way better than yesterday. Thank you.
Oh, good night you.

'fimaaa

2008-03-12T21:20:00.001+08:00

:) Supplementary.
current mood: infuriated

My brain molecules are taking a stroll in the theme park again. These frequent visits make me dizzy and I do wish that it would certainly stop. I think the clouds tearing today helped me set the mood that I am in. I need ice-cream, Chocolate Ice Cream with Chocolate Fudge Syrup and maybe a sprinkle of Chocolate Rice. Please, pretty please. And maybe the smell of a fresh rose or sunflower would be a cheery on top of the most perfect cake. Speaking of which, I do miss the smell of roses. If you fail to realize, I am not in the best mood as of now.

The best part is, I am disappointed in myself now. I failed to realize what was it in the beginning of the day that made me smile when these infuriating emotions rule me. The way things were fine before my brain molecules paid a visit to the theme park. The way smiles and laughter filled my every nerve. The way he harmlessly came and pinned a smile up for me. Selfish me. I am sorry. But why was it that I must be down on the same day I was over the top? That's the irony of the paradox.
Thank you world. :)

Oh, I miss a certain warmth tonight. It's only a quarter pass nine and I miss the sight of daylight already. I want badly to see the sunshine tomorrow because I know it'll be better than today. Maybe because I know tomorrow he'll be there. I hope. I can hardly breathe now that he's not here. & Here's the truth, I need him. Really.

I am sorry that I am not perfect. It has always been a problem.
UNO. Let's hold hands and enjoy the moments together.
Oh, good night. I am having an early one today. :)

'fimaaa

2008-03-12T03:13:00.009+08:00

:) Smiles like before.
current mood: delighted

The monsoon season seems to deplete and I am glad you are here to witness this with me. The sun is shinning again. Spring seems to be here. And summer seems near. Long are gone, those dark gloomy days.
He's the reason for the recent smiles, laughter and joy. The reason for the sun to shine again. Honest, I can't explain why him nor can I reason it out to myself. He carries wings of an angel keeping me feeling safe all the time. His level of warmth and comfort is way beyond the horizon. And maybe, just maybe he colours my life with his smile.

I would not want to trade my place for any other, because my life stands out above the rest and my love strikes out as something special. Because in my life story, I met him and in my love story, I have him. We have no tune together, but he's my sweetest serenade. He plays the tune in which you will never understand. Maybe it's just the way he's sleek about everything that matters. Or maybe it's just the way he's true.
Maybe there is really no words for it, but for all I know, I am true.
Here, let me say, I LOVE YOU. :)

Oh, good night love.
&I suddenly have the urge to take a stroll at the beach. :)

'fimaaa

2008-03-08T15:55:00.002+08:00

:) that feeling
current mood: DOWN

Have you ever wake up in the middle of the night wondering who you are or what are you doing on the surface of this earth? Ever felt like you are obligated to make people happy but not yourself? Have you ever turn back in life and realized that you mean nothing to the people that matters most to you? How about realizing that no one will come for your wake? It's that feeling all over again.
----------
Here's the rant today, please don't bother asking. Because who knows, I might not be talking about you or maybe I just might be.

Here. The truth hurts as it has always. I cannot make you happy nor can I make you smile. I am not perfect nor am I important. Burden. The soothing music lingers and memories stays but nothings there to make the feeling go away. Burden. That's how I feel. When will I learn to be independent or when will I start to matter again. Burden. That's how it has always been. With you, with him and with them. When will I actually mean something?

Smile. I sat there and wet my cheeks. Sore red eyes, yet I smile so you won't see. So no one will. All I ever wanted is to make the people that matters happy. But I've failed. As always, I hate loosing but I loose a lot. At least that is how I perceive it to be.
----------
Love, I'll be there for you. I'll smile and be strong.
& you please don't be bothered. I just did not mean to hurt you.

And to that special someone, you are not a failure. You are my hero. You saved me from the darkness that engulfed me long before you came. You robbed me of my sadness and showered me with laughters and joy. I long for the hours when I get to see you. As you are my hero. Always.
UNO. Let's be sunshine and rainbow. I do love that & I do love you. :)

Oh, you have a good day please.

'fimaaa

2008-03-07T18:02:00.000+08:00

:) selfish
current mood: sick

I want to be loved best by the person who loves me most. I want to be selfish about this. I refuse to share my love for anyone or be willing to be shared. And I am not the only one.
"You're mine now"- him.
He doesn't want to share me too. :)

&UNO is currently my favourite word.

Oh, good evening to you.
Have a good one. I know I will. :)

'fimaaa

2008-03-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

:) Washing machine.
current mood: mixed up

I feel like puking as I take a ride in the washing machine. My head spins as the turbo brings me to the most discomfort position. Then, I turned and saw him. He stepped inside and he promised to stay. He said he'd hold my hand and take the spin with me. :)

Thank you for making me feel worth while again. Thank you for that chance again. Thank you for stepping in.
I do love you.

Oh, there good night you. I am looking forward to the next day today.

'fimaaa

2008-03-02T10:50:00.001+08:00

:) trust.
current mood: beat

Trust. This is the one word that can spoil many random things in your life. Sorry, I am bad at this. I will be better.
----------
Anyway, by the Cik Munk

Rule of the Tag: Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 6 weird things as well as clearly state this rule. After you state your 6 weird things, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says "you’re tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog for information as to what it means.

My 6 weird things:

I have no memories of vomiting. So the last time I did vomit was when I was around 3 or 4 years old. To vomit is one of the things in my to-do-list before I die. REALLY.
I still cannot swallow pills. I rarely eat medication. I require a huge glass of water just for one tiny pill. And I still cry if I can't swallow the pill. The pill will melt inside my mouth and I would throw it all out. HAHA
I DO NOT DRINK PLAIN WATER unless, there really is nothing else to drink or someone forced me to. It's just the taste. It’s too plain! I have a major sweet tooth problem.
I sleep a lot. Even if I have 10 hours of sleep in the night, I need power naps in the middle of the day to give me energy. Especially when I am studying I can stop and sleep for 15 minutes and then continue studying. And I can sleep anywhere- bus, car, library, airport, classroom, corridors and any where else.
I got this habit of laughing to myself. When I am in the bus alone and some memories of yesterday gets into my head, I will take out my phone and pretend to call someone and I would laugh. Loudly. Or, when I am with someone, and some random thought comes to my head, I’d just laugh to myself. And when they ask, I'd say “nothing!” So people might think I am nuts. Always the case.
I like to talk to myself. When I’m down, I’d say things like “it’s okay!” to me and pat myself on my head or shoulder. Sometimes I have mini conversations to myself at any place or time. All in all, just to make myself feel better.

There, I am weird. Laugh at me if you must.

6 person to tag and do this:

Please do yourself the honours. I'm tagging everyone and anyone reading this! :)
----------
Oh, the ramblings and noise here. I need a break. Somehow, I'm starting to loath the holidays. But I will be fine and we will make it through.
Have a good day you.

'fimaaa

2008-02-29T02:59:00.011+08:00

:) HIM.
current mood: rage

Will it make you happy, to see the person you love suffer. I tried so hard to let loose the cage, to jump freely. But i failed. Over and again, I have failed. It's all my fault, I know. But you bear the pain to see me go through all this. Over and again. It gets tiring trying to force myself to smile. Do you not love me enough to see me suffer? Is it wrong at a shot of happiness my way?
----------
I dreamt of walking down the street, under the eyes of the moon as it witness me enjoying every step I take. I dreamt of that arms holding me tight, not willing to let me go. I saw a beautiful place with him by my side. The world is a beautiful place, even if that beauty takes some effort to see.
I am not going to seek refuge anymore. Maybe the truth revealing itself does much more wonder than me confessing to the sins I have done. Maybe mother nature likes it this way, to see me down with depression again. Or maybe I was cursed from the very beginning. At the very least, let me dream of happiness. Or at least that I will be happy.

For now, let this be real.
-----------
I like the way he was frank. The way he says that I am irritating. I like the way he thinks, where "this is me, if you don't like it, leave." I like the way he talks about the moment that matters, the first moment he smiled at me in the school library. I like the way he let me be myself in front of him. The way he smiles and stares at me. I like the way he is precised about the smallest thing. I like the fact that he trust me with his phone at the start of everything. I loved the fact that he wants to meet me sometimes but refuse to say so and I've always thought that it is cute. I love the fact that he came at the right time, that he notice me in school like no one has ever. I loved the fact that he saved me without knowing that he did. I've always thought he's charming, witty and funny. He's always a nice company. I like the funny facial expression he has when he's mocking me. I like the way he respects me. I love the way he calls me "small kid" and treats me like one. I like the way his hands fit mine. I like the way he touch me with his hands. I guess I just fell in love with him.
No sweet words can describe the feeling. And maybe I still can't explain why I fell in love with him. But I do and at least the words I say is true. I fell in love with every little things that I see in him do and for everything that makes him. I love him because he is a nice person and because he is who he is. Maybe he completes those missing pieces of my life. I do love him. Maybe the world would see it. And maybe you would see it. But till that day, I'll keep showering my love for him. Till maybe the day comes where everyone can see that I am true, I still won't love him less.
----------
I want to face this with him and somehow, in this mess, I know that he will pull me through. Maybe its how he always appear calm. Or maybe it's just the security he has managed to give me. I think its just the way he makes me feel. And I do feel special. Thank you.

&If you love me, at least let me have this. Because right now, he means a whole lot more than you can make of it. :)

Oh, Good night you.

`fimaaa

2008-02-22T11:27:00.001+08:00

:) loosing.
current mood: impatient

How about a maze with 2 endings? How about a choice between reality and dreams? How about a choice of betrayal and love or mellow and pretence? I hate choices. What if you make the wrong ones? And I do hate regrets more than I hate making the wrong choice.
So now, I choose to be this piece of stone drifting along the river. The piece of stone that follows the flow of the river current. It leaves me with no worries to make desicions. Oh, I do enjoy this ride.

I like waking up in the mornings without plans to go anywhere. I enjoy spending moments like that in his arms. I want it to stay this way. I want it to never end. My dreams, I would give up reality to stay in it. I would like forever to stay this way. I know in time, he might be the one who loves me best. It's just the way he makes me feel. It's no wonder he's sweet. :)

Have a good day you. :)

'fimaaa

2008-02-20T01:12:00.002+08:00

:) Tape.
Current mood: tired

How many people actually understand the meaning of life? We set out in this journey, playing as the leading role in our own lives. We struggle on set and as director of our own lives, we have to find the best solution soon enough. Because you and I both know that time doesn’t wait for any one. Our life is an on going tape rolling. It stops when the heart stops beating, literally. A drama is what we live life like. Honestly, who doesn’t? So, what if my life is like a drama? I am only human after all. Maybe I did break a few promises along the way. Hurt a few people and got myself heart broken. But at least I am true to my heart. And I tink I may have found my leading male for now.

He took my hand and assured me that it will be fine. Maybe it was his sincerity, or the way he was upfront about everything from the start. He did not make any attempt to promise, just promises that he would try. Maybe it’s the way he look at me, or the smile he wears. I don’t know what it is about him. But I think I like it the way it is.

I wish prince charming is true. Well hopefully.
Oh, good night you.

‘fimaaa

2008-02-19T00:48:00.000+08:00

:) 5 steps ahead.
current mood: at ease

Take a step forward and don’t look back. You will realize that many things are not worth the drama. Take another step forward and look forward for the next. You will realize that you just have to let the past go. Take another step forward and then you will leap. You will realize that that is how life works. Time won’t wait and the rewind button doesn’t work. So take that step and move. That’s just the way it’s meant to be. And finally, smile while you are at it. You won't know who's looking.

My previous month was terrific somehow. I found treasures and learnt about another way of life. Who would have thought, it's me driving my own life. I am happy. Just please let this be true. :)
&It's been one month sexy :)

Good night you.

'fimaaa

2008-02-17T21:37:00.000+08:00

:) world.
current mood: pissed&drunk

Funny how life works. The way you have to pull many different strings to get things your way. Or the way you have to cheat and lie, just to ease the pain of others. Funny how you will never get what you really wanted, no matter how hard you tried. There is always that one thing you can never get. Ever thought about it? And how many of us actually live life wearing a smile everyday, and actually meaning that smile? Funny how we hide behind our layers of façade, just to cover our vulnerable side. Why? Maybe we want to show the world that we are strong. Or maybe we made a mistake, just obeying the ultimate sin, a human's ego.

This entry will be long. Spare me a few moments in your life, not that I actually have readers here. But I need to get this off my chest. And after reading this, I want you to know that I am fine. It's just another rant. So don't bother asking me how I am coping.

& the story goes. A stranger, who became a friend, then a lover, a friend again and back to becoming a stranger. It was a love story that ended just like many others. (And I have heard that life is about stories of loosing someone) And hers was similar to all. After loosing what she believed to be her soul mate, she loss every happiness in her. Every night she prays for his heart to accept her again. She held on to the slightest sign of hope for them to reconcile. Every prayer, every dream and every hope breathe his name. Her "world", she calls him. Finally, when too many obstacles blocked their path, the world to her seems much more deserted than before. So she sat off, finding comfort in another. She too needed rest.

It was not that she did not love him enough. Nor was it that she could not wait any longer. She believes in faith. In the truth that God has made plans for all of us. She believes in following her heart, because that’s the only thing she can trust. Its not that she wanted it to end this way, but it was just clear that this was the only path for her to take. Not that she had a choice, but at least she was keen to have moved on.

Now she sleeps in the arms of another. Yet her heart seems far away. She learns to love another but the past remains unchanged. It’s not as though she did not love him, but she just had to move away. She found comfort somewhere new. And she smiles again. So world, give her a chance to live again. Let that smile be real. Let that smile last for her. She deserves to be happy too. Dear world, please stop your games. She is tried. Really.
----------

I know the pain of loosing because I loose alot. Her story is one I am best at understanding. She's a good friend. And she says, "deep down inside, reveals a truth that no one will know or understand. I do love him but it just was not meant to be. The sadest part is, he won't listen."
Maybe I do understand. Just maybe, I was where she is now.

However, I want to say that I love where I am now. I do.
I have learnt about things beyond what I imagined I could.
&I do love you, dearest mister clown. You have become a part of my life. :)

Good night you.

'fimaaa

2008-02-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

:) the FOUR-teen.
current mood: content

I found a diamond in the mist of the fog. My heart sticks to it like glue. I like where I am. Thank you.

Good night you.

'fimaaa

2008-02-13T00:57:00.000+08:00

:) more than it seems.
current mood: blank-

Not because the feelings’ not there.
Or because the hearts don’t care.
It's just because time is in the way.
So we are waiting till the next day.
But at least I know the hopes are true.
That is why I chose to do this with you.

Complicated. Maybe for once, I like you this way.
Good night you. :)

'fimaaa

2008-02-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

:) weekend getaway.
current mood: satisfied

How about a last minute getaway. You have 30 minutes to pack your stuff and another 30 minutes to get ready. The next thing you know, you are on a ferry, making your way to BATAM. Treated like the Resort's VIP, its no wonder we enjoyed our trip. Here, enjoy some snap shot moments. :)

The getaway was just what I needed. Thank you mommy. :)

I missed the circus show while I was away. & you.

'fimaaa

2008-02-06T02:25:00.000+08:00

:) Fifth again.
current mood: blocked

I am running away from people who understand me best. Because I have a feeling that no one will understand me now. I apologize.
----------
When I was in depth of all emotions, that was when I came across a circus. I let all my guards down and I ran towards the tent, not knowing what lies ahead for me. I am unsure when the circus will end. But I love it there, I use to just sit and watch them with amazement. Now, they have found a soft spot for me. I am needed there, to run errands, to help with the side stage and sometimes to help run the show. And believe me, the show runs better when I am around. I feel responsible for it, and best of all I am comfortable there. Then there’s the clowns, they always cheer me up.

The circus is not like the world. The world is where all else lies. The direction, the path in my life. The world is where I find my real happiness and where reality will stay. The world needs me and I need the world. The world is where everything lies and the circus is just a place I love now.
----------

I had fun today. & We were suppose to be 21. Nevertheless, good night oh, beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-02-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

:) you.
current mood: washed away

Dear world, waiting.
2 hours for your date to come.
45 minutes for your date to finish grooming.
2 hours for the midnight calls.
5 hours for a 15 minute bus ride.
5 hours to give a surprise.
All this for a year plus. Try waiting.
Then,
3 months for your happiness to come.
Dear world, try waiting.

Waiting. The human mind gets restless after a certain time of nullity. Each painful moment, each one second pass seems longer than the previous. Try waiting for a hope that will never come. Or waiting for a dream that was never meant to be yours. Try waiting for the best memory that will never be realized. I was on the verge break down. Another depression.
Waiting seems to be my only mistake. I have let it become a habit. A habits that is hard to break. I blame the world for this. Come back, and make me smile again.
----------
& Yesterday. :)

It was the wind that blew away the pain. It was the rain drops that washed away our sins. It was the sound of the crashing waves pushing away the malevolence thoughts. It left us, six of us, empty. And it was the company that filled us all up. I sat there in between, watching them. Try singing your hearts out, let out the pain. It was a night where only the company mattered. And as I walk home, I felt like I was replenished. I felt a sense of joy. I was a whole new me. Thank you to you 5 who made my night.
----------

I am waiting for a certain truth. Waiting for my happiness.
Good night world. I do miss the sunlight in your face.

'fimaaa

2008-02-02T14:42:00.000+08:00

:) A ploy at play.
current mood: composed

3 strikes. That is all you have till you are out of the game. First try. You lost your balance and fell off the ground. Second. You thought you’d do better but you seem to have hurt yourself more. The third and final try. You lost it somehow. Again. 3 strikes Sir. That’s what you got. But I gave you more. Thinking and hoping the light would shine again and memories would fall apart. I gave you more. You lost it again. You lost it all.

Now I have got to go. After 3 months I have realized yet another mistake that I have made. I was not at the cross road with you, but I was a dead end. 3 months you played me with you ruse. 3 months I was controlled. Finally, I understood. Making a u-turn is the hardest thing now. But I have him. I will survive. :) You will realize that I stood there waiting in the monsoon, but you never came. He took me by the hand, leading me to a shelter once again. I will survive. You lost it all. Thank you world for making me stronger.

`fimaaa

2008-02-01T10:16:00.000+08:00

:) mistake.
current mood: sleepy

It was a mistake. A moment of folly. But I'll live. I know I will. I am stronger than that. I am falling into yet another whirlpool; one which I know will pull me out of the other and bring me to a happy place. It was not any one’s choice but my own. And I claim to be in a different situation as I was before. Not even you will understand. I like where I am. I feel like a 5 year old kid again, at the back seat of the car, watching other cars driving past us. The wind in my face and the sense of belonging some where. I know I am safe.

My mind’s filled with images I never want to replace. The agony to hold on for one last chance for the pursuit of my own happiness tires me out. I am enervated. Let me be for now, here in my happy place. I know that this is what I want. Dear world, let me smile again. :)

'fimaaa

2008-01-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

:) Like magnets.
current mood: restless

Ask me how it is to be in love. Ask me what it feels like to be on top of the world. To be smiling at every moment thinking of that one person. How creating memories with your lover is all you've ever asked for. Ask me how is it like to be happy. How it is like to be smiling foolishly when you are alone. I'll share with you the story. I'll show you the laughter, the joy. I'll tell you his name.

Then ask me how is it like to have your biggest fear come alive. Ask me what it feels like to be at the lowest point. To be crying at every painful memories. Ask me how it feels like, to be waiting for another chance at happiness. How is it like to forget the smiles, laughter and joy. Ask me how is it like to be waiting. I'll share with you the emotions. I'll show you the pain, the tear drops. I'll tell you his name.

Finally ask me, how is it like to move on, leaving your heart alone. How to pretend to be smiling and laughing when it all hurts inside. How I am managing. Ask me how pain becomes a routine. Ask me world, because you have not the slightest clue. I'll tell you everything.

On another note. Happy 20th Birthday Twin.
I love you.

Oh, Good night Beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-01-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

:) Angst post.
current mood: outraged

Fake eye lash and fake double eye lids.
Rot you will in hell as you are one with a heart of Satan. I pray that God will show you what you show others, that dirty filthy heart of yours. May your sins on earth never be forgiven in the eyes of the Almighty. Pray that you rot well with the others who have sinned the way you did. May you bleed in fiery hell and face the torment all over again. And may each burning pain hurt you a million times you have hurt others. Bleed in hell. For that is your place!

Dear God, Forgive me. I did not mean to bitch.

'fimaaa

family affairs

2008-01-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

:) Lonely.
current mood: unwell

Tonight is one of those nights where you find that oxygen simply refuse to fill your lungs in the deep breaths. Where your cough just would not stop bothering you. Where teardrops fill your face. Tonight is one of those night where all you need is that shoulder, that ears and that love. Tonight, i feel lonely, depressed and alone.

Just like onions, humans have layers to them. Peel one off and you'll find another. The personalities, the behaviour varies from one layer to another. The first is always the façade the person puts on. As you get closer, you learn more about the person. The first layer will shed leaving you to deal with the second. Another personality, another behaviour. Gradually, piece by piece the layer will plummet. Until finally, when it gets down to the core of it, the heart.

For me personally, I have blanketed myself with layers of façade, just to hide the fact that as of now, my heart is weak. I need to cry out loud. I realized that I have lost myslef somehow. I don't need another reason to cry again. I need you. This post is STUPID! But i just needed to rant.
Good night, Oh beautiful world. :)

'fimaaa

2008-01-22T21:32:00.000+08:00

:) Sunflower on the twenty-1st, January 2008 at 6.58 PM.
current mood: delighted

Dear world, once more you shine. I missed that smile, that eyes, that lips, that touch. My heart skipped to a melody that I was once familiar with. My thoughts ran while as I feel the love I once had. It was the best whirlpool I've jumped into. I was on top of the world, ready for more. I was on top of the world. I wish it would have never ended. I wish that time never existed. Nevertheless, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for the smiles again. Thank you world. I love you. Thank you. Good night oh, beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-01-20T03:11:00.000+08:00

:) Pain killers.
current mood: void

My blood pressure is beyond my control now. In so much pain, and the throat decide to be disobliging. Now my throat feel like it has little slits on it. Coughing is really painful now. Sinus certainly insist on showing up today again. Thank you. And the brain cells are seriously in need of oxygen. Pump faster, Dear Heart. I need you more tonight.

Anyway, Cheeky monkey and Clumsy monkey are back in town. Oh, so much love. :)
Good night beautiful world. I am already missing the sunshine in your face. :)

`Fimaaa

2008-01-15T01:53:00.000+08:00

:) Hyperventilation.
current mood: downcast

My heart is pumping like the engines of a ship. Pumping so fast that the friction it is causing my painful blood cells, can be seen by my shivering hand. It really is painful.
Suddenly, I feel like I am in a marathon race running so fast that I can hear myself breathing, gasping for some air in this world. It feels as though I am in a sealed bag and no oxygen left for me to breathe. The lungs are squeezing in tightly now as I try to take longer breath. I feel like an elephant trapped in the body of a mouse. It really is painful.
Then, my tear drops are guilty of running away from where they belong. They abandon their house too fast that I can feel my eyes puffing up this very second. It really is painful.
I tired to scream at the top of my voice, but even I cannot hear myself. Not today. Not now. My voice box seems to have lost its ability to function. It really is painful.
My head joins in. It is doing its rounds again. Like race cars in the tracks, my head is zooming at 100 km/s. I can feel my body swaying. I feel like I am on the waves of Hawaii, and I am getting sea sick. It really is painful.
Finally, my digestive system decided to give up on me today. My stomach is doing its flips and my throat feels loaded with junks that I want to dispose. It really is painful. I feel sick.
Words are powerful weapons of mass destruction.

Dear world, you always give me reasons to hate you, but I will always love you. Oh, good night beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-01-13T23:15:00.000+08:00

:) careless whispers.
current mood: disenchanted

i found a piece of paper. this is what it wrote...

----------
Just For You

I dreamt i saw an angel fly
Face so gorgeous with beautiful smile.
I know that it was you up in the sky
Looking at me all these while

All the mistakes i've done to you
I hope you forgive me once again
With FLOWERS in my hand i wait for you
Even under the pouring rain

I'll walk this UNIVERSE for you
Just to let you know i'm true
I will always want to be with you
cos i know we are true

U fill my life with happiness
With memories of the time we spent
But i hurt you due to my carelessness
And i wish now it could be mend

All the mistakes i've done to you
I hope you love me once again
With CHOCOLATES in my hand i wait for you
Even under the pouring rain

I'll walk this UNIVERSE for you
Just to let you im true
I will always want to be with you
Cause i know we are true

just for you
fahimah...
----------

Months later, the writer left. He lost the battle with the stormy weather he said he'd fight. Now, I will walk through that same stormy weather, just to catch a glimpse of him. In dark corner of my heart, I reckon I am waiting for some kind of fate.
Dear writer, I might not write well. These are not beautifully choreographed words. But these words are true, the careless whispers of my heart, just for you.

----------
Just For You

I am not the angel you saw fly,
I am not the one with that beautiful smile.
It was not me you saw in the sky,
But I’m the girl who loves you all these while.

For every pain I’ve caused you,
I hope you can forgive me once again.
I will always wait for you,
Even under the pouring rain.

Not with flowers, will I wait for you,
Not with chocolates, will I wait for you.
With a little hope and my love so true,
Just to lead the life we once knew.

For all the wrongs, I will make right,
Just for a chance to hold you once again.
For our love so strong, I will still fight,
Just for us to be together again.

I’ll defy the universe just for you,
Just to let you know that I am true.
I will be right here waiting for you,
Just because I love you.

Just for you
Dear writer.
----------

Good night beautiful world.

`fimaaa

2008-01-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

:) twisted tale.
current mood: dreadful

I was feeling fine hours ago. I smiled, laughed, had a good book, had a good company, had good blasting musics and had a good time. Although I was down with sinus, my day went on fine until a couple of minutes ago. I am sleepy, but I have to get this off my chest first. Here, tonight, my rants. Again. :)

There never existed between us, an agreement that I will be with him. I informed him rather at the initial, to always take it slow. He pesters and never understood the meaning of a respite. My mistake was to mislead a broken soul, and I tried to make it better, knowing that he will hate me for it. I do not need him to be strong for me nor do I need any other helping souls. I am not shutting the world out, you are free to be my friend, BUT that is where i draw the line. I need me now. I need to feel this pain alone and be strong. I need to be independent. I do not reckon he understand. And this is where I am selfish. It's also my happiness we are talking about. He never understood. And I can never love any other. For now, at least. I am sorry. But I did say, it will hurt, waiting for me. And it did.
He blamed it all on me, of course. Tonight, his words cut like piercings from a dagger, it hits right on target, the heart. Good bye you.

There exist in me this hope that the return of the long awaited prince would come sooner. It has been 3 months. Good night beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-01-09T00:26:00.000+08:00

:) beauty of it all.
current mood: calm

a book in one hand, eyes fixed on reading, blasting music from the ear piece, unkept and messy hair and a "GO AWAY" sign on my forehead,

EQUALS TO

"go away strangers. don't stare at me like that." AND don't come to me, bugging me to have a decent conversation with you. i am not interested.

anyway, just like the doctor prescribe, i found happy pills today. family and of course, girl friends are loved and that was enough for one day. my medications made me happy, though temporary, that is what happy pills do. i know i have to find the cure myself. and i know, my cure is my prince charming. he will come and save me from my misery.

nineteen this year, and i still believe in fairy tales. well, now its time to cuddle up with a good book and maybe a good hot drink. the rain is always the perfect weather to snuggle up with fudgie, reading to him. its time i make time to spend time with myself. and maybe with fudgie too. :)
Good night beautiful world. :)

'fimaaa

2008-01-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

:) To Sir(s), with love.
current mood: apologetic

dear sir, i am sorry i haven't had the chance to explain myself to you. the weird thing is i rarely check my phone as i fear hatred messages might come in. i am vulnerable right now and i really wish to be left alone, with the people i am most comfortable with. as for you sir, please forgive me. give me time to heal. a wound needs time to heal. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.

dear sir, confused is a rather understatement to describe you. i cannot tell you how much you have hurt me nor how much you have changed my life. in case you fail to notice, this is me down on my knees. and these foolish games are tearing me apart. your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. you are breaking my heart. still i beseech for your attention, and they ask why. why? maybe because you are the best. you are my best. you are stuck inside my head, and i thought i'd drop you easily. but i was wrong. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.

dear sir, you see how much in pain i am now. though i know, you won't do the same as him, please do not give an encore of your mistake. i love you. i love her. please take care. it's our promise. and i know what you mean when you say that. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.

dear sir, i know i am inexcusable for doing that to an innocent soul. subsequently, you asked me why. i wondered, why am i still here? he did not do anything to me. i know i was foolish. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.

dear world, i know i am what they all say i am. 4 different people, 1 same point of view, i am a vixen. and i am sorry. with love. good night.

'fimaaa

2008-01-06T18:36:00.000+08:00

:) rants again.
current mood: sore

i desperately wish i am someone else. now, when i see your smile, tears roll down my face. your tears brought me here, and mine brought you no where. scream at me now, make it real. it hurts to see things go to waste. it hurts a lot. take my hand, so i can breathe again. when the world crumbles, i am at lost on what to do. my baby was my world. now, the heart beats are slowing, and pain is growing. will you sing to me dear prince charming?

i am tired of depressing post. i am tired of stupid feelings. i want to be happy. teach me beautiful world because you seem happy. :(

'fimaaa

2008-01-05T14:07:00.000+08:00

:) TWENTY.

current mood: stupid

i woke up from a beautiful dream and i have a feeling i am going to catch that dream. this is why i am fanatical, mixing dreams with reality. Please do not wake me up yet, dear you. Oh, how long will this obsession last?

anyway, happy 2o beautiful world. have a nice day. :)

i am sorry if i hurt you. over and again.

'fimaaa

2008-01-04T23:26:00.000+08:00

:) memories.
current mood: blank

turn away. all my dignity left, leaving me besmirched. my head hurts. it's making a 360-degree turn every second. i know i need rest. insomnia seems to be affecting my day. it hurts. this hurts. and the emotional distress i am facing, does not help much. i miss a certain warmth. i miss a certain feeling. i miss a certain comfort. i miss a certain affection.
but knowing you were near just now, made me smile. :)

now, every breath i take, hurts more than the previous.
i am weary. i am exhausted. i am fatigued. OH, good night beautiful world.

'fimaaa

2008-01-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

:) thrid day of 2008
current mood: distraught

hope. a hope for happiness. a hope for a future. a hope for reconciliation.
a hope was given. a false hope, rather. and in a snap of a finger, you bring that hope, MY hope, crashing down. the twinge you will never feel. the stabbing pain you have caused. the quake you have trigger off. but it was my mistake to hope. and i will never again.

for a few hours, i left my mind to ease my wounded self. i left the body to function with no emotions. i threw in many fake smiles, reminding myself to be strong. it all looked calm on the outside, but contrary was in the inside. my mind was having a confrontation with my heart. it was all chaotic and anarchic. it was as if weapons of mass destrcutions were inside of me. the pain, i cannot express in words. i reckon, it is by far the the most pain I've felt in 18 years. and i blame no one but me. but I'll live through this misery.

is this what you want, Oh Sir? again i ask, what more? what more?
you stole all that was never yours. and you threw it away when you are done. it was my heart you stole. and it was me you threw away. what more, Sir? what more?
there is nothing else to break, because everything was already broken on the 11 October 2007. what more? i ask Sir, what more?
you have punished me enough Sir. please don't punish them, they are innocent. it was all me Sir. it was all me.
i am sorry i was not good enough. :)

and for now, leave me alone. when i am ready, i'll come out again. stronger than ever. good night Oh, beautiful world. :)

'fimaaa

2008-01-03T15:15:00.000+08:00

:) Beside Andrew AKA SIZZLING AKA Best adik one could ever wish for.. Cutest too.. *wink*
Across Saba AKA HOTSTUFF AKA Best abg none could eva have except me. Most
charming too. *grins* In fact, i think he's hotter (HAWTer) than my adik. NO. I know he is. :D

random post. i love both!

'fimaaa

2008-01-01T04:30:00.000+08:00

:) a little personal.
current mood: wreck&hyper

because I'm turning 9-teen this year, i have decided to lay out 9-teen New Year resolutions and wishes. HAHA :)
not interested? go click the "x" button. :)

to meet taufik batisah in person. :)
to loose 5 kg.
to go try something new.
to be more feminine.
to save money, so i can go retail therapy at any given time. :)
to get over the hangover. :)
to always stay true to my feelings.
to understand people around me better.
to stay true to my three "F"s in life. :)
to have a better sense of fashion. HAHA
to be a better person in the family.
to extend wardrobe. :)
to change something about this fugly hair do.
to get a new phone. :)
to be a nicer person.
to be less self-absorbed.
to lessen visits to undesired web pages.
to find happiness. :)
to stick to this list. :)

now you can go away. :)
OH, good night world & HAPPY NEW YEAR. may 2008 bring joy to you and me. i love you world. :)

'fimaaa

2007-12-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

:) finally, christmas pictures.
current mood: blank

just let the pictures do the talking this time? :)

i look FAT in most pics. nevertheless, enjoy.

pease double click to view clearly. thank you. HAHA

my favourite at orchard. :)
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

&Santa sent his babies out for chistmas. :)
OH, we make the best team!

roaming around.
&we made American's Next Top Model look BAD!

HYATT with them.
we sat, talked and forgot about the pain. :)
& i LOVE them all.

a long night walk, stupid intimate chat, &GAMES.
OH, i love every fregging moment. :)

OH you, MISTER ANNOYING FAIEZ, don't act PIMP! :)

he, who wants me to be his. HAHA! :)
&i look annoyingly fugly.

he who says "shoure" and "bhall" instead of "sure" and "ball".
the OH-so-annoying-one who was the company for the day.

nevertheless, this is my BIG THANK YOU to DEAREST MISTER FAIEZ. :)
we will meet next chirstmas maybe?

from afternoon, to evening, to late night. it was my christmas. OH, i love it.

dear world, thank you for that one brilliant night. my christmas was special. encore please. :)

&finally, maybe it's time to go now. i want to stay, but i know i am not needed anymore. this hurts much more than you think it does. 2008 will bring us to a new chapter. i am sorry.

this is my last day in 2007. :)

'fimaaa

2007-12-30T02:15:00.000+08:00

:) leave me&go away.
current mood: depressed

tonight, i will cuddle up with my fudgie, silently snuffling under my sheets. it's been a long time since i had time for myself under the sheets. i am NOT doing good. i am NOT doing fine. Oh, go away stupid feeling!
God, save me from this insanity. i am a just meaningless soul. now, i just feel like a child crying because she lost her favourite toy. Oh, go away everyone. this is my rants in the wee hours. if you hate it, LEAVE now. every part of me hurts. even those tiny places, where i didn't know exist, is killing me. i desperately wish i am smiling now. this hurts much more than the pain when i pierce my skin. i am now engulfed in misery, drenched in disappointments and finally, blanketed with disgrace.
OH, go away pain! go away silly feeling! go away misery! go away you!
and i cry now, not because i am sad. but because i know i am stronger than this. what more? i ask now, what more?

i miss being a 5 year old. i want ice-cream and cookies. i want chocolates and sweets. i want to laugh till i shed tears of joy. joke anyone? :)

'fimaaa

2007-12-28T15:57:00.000+08:00

:) depressing entry.
current mood: heart-rending

the whole world seemed to be on me yesterday afternoon. i was yelling at the top of my lungs, yet no one was listening. i tried so hard to fit in, to make the pain go away and to pretend that i was perfectly fine. Truth is, i am not. i realized that the worst person there is in the world is ME. saying sorry won't help sometimes. like now, saying sorry for my existence in life, would not help most heart breaks I've caused. it's a pity i have to be me and experience the pain I'm feeling and it's worse for the souls I've scraped. my presence in this fragile world seems unappreciated. i am still struggling to find the reason for my existence. they say enjoy life, enjoy the moments it throws to you and find the joy in everything that happens. but joy and happiness seems so far away. each time i forge a smile or cast a laughter, i am being scoff at, leaving me, alone and confused. always.
however, we are always given choices in our life. and i have chosen to devote my time to love someone from far now, please forgive me world. let me be unable to forge a smile or cast a laughter. for now, i pray that joy will come soon for both you and me. :)

God was kind to me later at night. though i ended yesterday at 2.14 AM with a jab in my right chest and an awful cramp, i enjoyed moments before it. how i desperately wished for the batteries to die, the clock to stop and time to freeze at that moment. the beach is always a nice place. followed by, the airport, where i like to dream. and finally, supper is always superb. family does matter. :)

Dear Mr Faiez, send me the pictures soon. you are annoying!
& Dear world, even if saying "i am sorry" is not enough, I am sorry.

'fimaaa

2007-12-27T03:08:00.000+08:00

:) dress up & pretend.
current mood: tired&lost

my life is at it's pause and i seem to have lost the play button. i missed my last ride home, and ever since, I've been trying to find my way back. suddenly, breathing becomes the most dreadful chore. i am truthfully tired. the cheery of this cake is that, it is the time of the month again. I'm glad 2007 is leaving me behind. Go far away. i refuse to have an encore.
Dear Life, how much longer should i pretend? I'm sorry i disappointed you. i want endless Christmas nights, because that night, my soul smiled with me. and i knew an angle was watching over me. :)

Dear Prince Charming, save me from this strange land soon? they say true Love's kiss is the most powerful thing in the world. so save me with it. :)

'fimaaa

2007-12-26T01:33:00.000+08:00

:) sweetest addictions.
current mood: tired&blissful

imagine the thrill it sends from your throat, to your brain and finally down your spine. it touches your most sensitive part and it cures heartaches for that one moment. enjoying each moment of it's richness and flavour. the best part of it, you can have it on the go. that's why I'm an addict. i would like to thank the person who created chocolates. and i thank MacDonald's for their brilliant work on the Mudpie ice-cream. it's a must try for all chocolate addicts. :)

though i don't celebrate Christmas, i had nothing less than a wonderful time today. will update on that soon. :)
Oh, good night beautiful world.

'fimaaa