Wednesday, January 30, 2008
:) Like magnets.
current mood: restless
Ask me how it is to be in love. Ask me what it feels like to be on top of the world. To be smiling at every moment thinking of that one person. How creating memories with your lover is all you've ever asked for. Ask me how is it like to be happy. How it is like to be smiling foolishly when you are alone. I'll share with you the story. I'll show you the laughter, the joy. I'll tell you his name.
Then ask me how is it like to have your biggest fear come alive. Ask me what it feels like to be at the lowest point. To be crying at every painful memories. Ask me how it feels like, to be waiting for another chance at happiness. How is it like to forget the smiles, laughter and joy. Ask me how is it like to be waiting. I'll share with you the emotions. I'll show you the pain, the tear drops. I'll tell you his name.
Finally ask me, how is it like to move on, leaving your heart alone. How to pretend to be smiling and laughing when it all hurts inside. How I am managing. Ask me how pain becomes a routine. Ask me world, because you have not the slightest clue. I'll tell you everything.
On another note. Happy 20th Birthday Twin.
I love you.
Oh, Good night Beautiful world.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 1:33 AM
Friday, January 25, 2008
:) Angst post.
current mood: outraged
Fake eye lash and fake double eye lids.
Rot you will in hell as you are one with a heart of Satan. I pray that God will show you what you show others, that dirty filthy heart of yours. May your sins on earth never be forgiven in the eyes of the Almighty. Pray that you rot well with the others who have sinned the way you did. May you bleed in fiery hell and face the torment all over again. And may each burning pain hurt you a million times you have hurt others. Bleed in hell. For that is your place!
Dear God, Forgive me. I did not mean to bitch.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 1:16 PM
Thursday, January 24, 2008
:) Lonely.
current mood: unwell
Tonight is one of those nights where you find that oxygen simply refuse to fill your lungs in the deep breaths. Where your cough just would not stop bothering you. Where teardrops fill your face. Tonight is one of those night where all you need is that shoulder, that ears and that love. Tonight, i feel lonely, depressed and alone.
Just like onions, humans have layers to them. Peel one off and you'll find another. The personalities, the behaviour varies from one layer to another. The first is always the façade the person puts on. As you get closer, you learn more about the person. The first layer will shed leaving you to deal with the second. Another personality, another behaviour. Gradually, piece by piece the layer will plummet. Until finally, when it gets down to the core of it, the heart.
For me personally, I have blanketed myself with layers of façade, just to hide the fact that as of now, my heart is weak. I need to cry out loud. I realized that I have lost myslef somehow. I don't need another reason to cry again. I need you. This post is STUPID! But i just needed to rant.
Good night, Oh beautiful world. :)
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 12:31 AM
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
:) Sunflower on the twenty-1st, January 2008 at 6.58 PM.
current mood: delighted
Dear world, once more you shine. I missed that smile, that eyes, that lips, that touch. My heart skipped to a melody that I was once familiar with. My thoughts ran while as I feel the love I once had. It was the best whirlpool I've jumped into. I was on top of the world, ready for more. I was on top of the world. I wish it would have never ended. I wish that time never existed. Nevertheless, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for the smiles again. Thank you world. I love you. Thank you. Good night oh, beautiful world.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 9:32 PM
Sunday, January 20, 2008
:) Pain killers.
current mood: void
My blood pressure is beyond my control now. In so much pain, and the throat decide to be disobliging. Now my throat feel like it has little slits on it. Coughing is really painful now. Sinus certainly insist on showing up today again. Thank you. And the brain cells are seriously in need of oxygen. Pump faster, Dear Heart. I need you more tonight.
Anyway, Cheeky monkey and Clumsy monkey are back in town. Oh, so much love. :)
Good night beautiful world. I am already missing the sunshine in your face. :)
`Fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 3:11 AM
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
:) Hyperventilation.
current mood: downcast
My heart is pumping like the engines of a ship. Pumping so fast that the friction it is causing my painful blood cells, can be seen by my shivering hand. It really is painful.
Suddenly, I feel like I am in a marathon race running so fast that I can hear myself breathing, gasping for some air in this world. It feels as though I am in a sealed bag and no oxygen left for me to breathe. The lungs are squeezing in tightly now as I try to take longer breath. I feel like an elephant trapped in the body of a mouse. It really is painful.
Then, my tear drops are guilty of running away from where they belong. They abandon their house too fast that I can feel my eyes puffing up this very second. It really is painful.
I tired to scream at the top of my voice, but even I cannot hear myself. Not today. Not now. My voice box seems to have lost its ability to function. It really is painful.
My head joins in. It is doing its rounds again. Like race cars in the tracks, my head is zooming at 100 km/s. I can feel my body swaying. I feel like I am on the waves of Hawaii, and I am getting sea sick. It really is painful.
Finally, my digestive system decided to give up on me today. My stomach is doing its flips and my throat feels loaded with junks that I want to dispose. It really is painful. I feel sick.
Words are powerful weapons of mass destruction.
Dear world, you always give me reasons to hate you, but I will always love you. Oh, good night beautiful world.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 1:53 AM
Sunday, January 13, 2008
:) careless whispers.
current mood: disenchanted
i found a piece of paper. this is what it wrote...
----------
Just For You
I dreamt i saw an angel fly
Face so gorgeous with beautiful smile.
I know that it was you up in the sky
Looking at me all these while
All the mistakes i've done to you
I hope you forgive me once again
With FLOWERS in my hand i wait for you
Even under the pouring rain
I'll walk this UNIVERSE for you
Just to let you know i'm true
I will always want to be with you
cos i know we are true
U fill my life with happiness
With memories of the time we spent
But i hurt you due to my carelessness
And i wish now it could be mend
All the mistakes i've done to you
I hope you love me once again
With CHOCOLATES in my hand i wait for you
Even under the pouring rain
I'll walk this UNIVERSE for you
Just to let you im true
I will always want to be with you
Cause i know we are true
just for you
fahimah...
----------
Months later, the writer left. He lost the battle with the stormy weather he said he'd fight. Now, I will walk through that same stormy weather, just to catch a glimpse of him. In dark corner of my heart, I reckon I am waiting for some kind of fate.
Dear writer, I might not write well. These are not beautifully choreographed words. But these words are true, the careless whispers of my heart, just for you.
----------
Just For You
I am not the angel you saw fly,
I am not the one with that beautiful smile.
It was not me you saw in the sky,
But I’m the girl who loves you all these while.
For every pain I’ve caused you,
I hope you can forgive me once again.
I will always wait for you,
Even under the pouring rain.
Not with flowers, will I wait for you,
Not with chocolates, will I wait for you.
With a little hope and my love so true,
Just to lead the life we once knew.
For all the wrongs, I will make right,
Just for a chance to hold you once again.
For our love so strong, I will still fight,
Just for us to be together again.
I’ll defy the universe just for you,
Just to let you know that I am true.
I will be right here waiting for you,
Just because I love you.
Just for you
Dear writer.
----------
Good night beautiful world.
`fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 11:15 PM
Friday, January 11, 2008
:) twisted tale.
current mood: dreadful
I was feeling fine hours ago. I smiled, laughed, had a good book, had a good company, had good blasting musics and had a good time. Although I was down with sinus, my day went on fine until a couple of minutes ago. I am sleepy, but I have to get this off my chest first. Here, tonight, my rants. Again. :)
There never existed between us, an agreement that I will be with him. I informed him rather at the initial, to always take it slow. He pesters and never understood the meaning of a respite. My mistake was to mislead a broken soul, and I tried to make it better, knowing that he will hate me for it. I do not need him to be strong for me nor do I need any other helping souls. I am not shutting the world out, you are free to be my friend, BUT that is where i draw the line. I need me now. I need to feel this pain alone and be strong. I need to be independent. I do not reckon he understand. And this is where I am selfish. It's also my happiness we are talking about. He never understood. And I can never love any other. For now, at least. I am sorry. But I did say, it will hurt, waiting for me. And it did.
He blamed it all on me, of course. Tonight, his words cut like piercings from a dagger, it hits right on target, the heart. Good bye you.
There exist in me this hope that the return of the long awaited prince would come sooner. It has been 3 months. Good night beautiful world.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 1:21 AM
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
:) beauty of it all.
current mood: calm
a book in one hand, eyes fixed on reading, blasting music from the ear piece, unkept and messy hair and a "GO AWAY" sign on my forehead, EQUALS TO
"go away strangers. don't stare at me like that." AND don't come to me, bugging me to have a decent conversation with you. i am not interested.
anyway, just like the doctor prescribe, i found happy pills today. family and of course, girl friends are loved and that was enough for one day. my medications made me happy, though temporary, that is what happy pills do. i know i have to find the cure myself. and i know, my cure is my prince charming. he will come and save me from my misery.
nineteen this year, and i still believe in fairy tales. well, now its time to cuddle up with a good book and maybe a good hot drink. the rain is always the perfect weather to snuggle up with fudgie, reading to him. its time i make time to spend time with myself. and maybe with fudgie too. :)
Good night beautiful world. :)
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 12:26 AM
Monday, January 7, 2008
:) To Sir(s), with love.
current mood: apologetic
dear sir, i am sorry i haven't had the chance to explain myself to you. the weird thing is i rarely check my phone as i fear hatred messages might come in. i am vulnerable right now and i really wish to be left alone, with the people i am most comfortable with. as for you sir, please forgive me. give me time to heal. a wound needs time to heal. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.
dear sir, confused is a rather understatement to describe you. i cannot tell you how much you have hurt me nor how much you have changed my life. in case you fail to notice, this is me down on my knees. and these foolish games are tearing me apart. your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. you are breaking my heart. still i beseech for your attention, and they ask why. why? maybe because you are the best. you are my best. you are stuck inside my head, and i thought i'd drop you easily. but i was wrong. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.
dear sir, you see how much in pain i am now. though i know, you won't do the same as him, please do not give an encore of your mistake. i love you. i love her. please take care. it's our promise. and i know what you mean when you say that. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.
dear sir, i know i am inexcusable for doing that to an innocent soul. subsequently, you asked me why. i wondered, why am i still here? he did not do anything to me. i know i was foolish. thank you. and i am sorry. with love.
dear world, i know i am what they all say i am. 4 different people, 1 same point of view, i am a vixen. and i am sorry. with love. good night.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 11:58 PM
Sunday, January 6, 2008
:) rants again.
current mood: sore
i desperately wish i am someone else. now, when i see your smile, tears roll down my face. your tears brought me here, and mine brought you no where. scream at me now, make it real. it hurts to see things go to waste. it hurts a lot. take my hand, so i can breathe again. when the world crumbles, i am at lost on what to do. my baby was my world. now, the heart beats are slowing, and pain is growing. will you sing to me dear prince charming?
i am tired of depressing post. i am tired of stupid feelings. i want to be happy. teach me beautiful world because you seem happy. :(
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 6:36 PM
Saturday, January 5, 2008
:) TWENTY.
current mood: stupid
i woke up from a beautiful dream and i have a feeling i am going to catch that dream. this is why i am fanatical, mixing dreams with reality. Please do not wake me up yet, dear you. Oh, how long will this obsession last?
anyway, happy 2o beautiful world. have a nice day. :)
i am sorry if i hurt you. over and again.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 2:07 PM
Friday, January 4, 2008
:) memories.
current mood: blank
turn away. all my dignity left, leaving me besmirched. my head hurts. it's making a 360-degree turn every second. i know i need rest. insomnia seems to be affecting my day. it hurts. this hurts. and the emotional distress i am facing, does not help much. i miss a certain warmth. i miss a certain feeling. i miss a certain comfort. i miss a certain affection.
but knowing you were near just now, made me smile. :)
now, every breath i take, hurts more than the previous.
i am weary. i am exhausted. i am fatigued. OH, good night beautiful world.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 11:26 PM
Thursday, January 3, 2008
:) thrid day of 2008
current mood: distraught
hope. a hope for happiness. a hope for a future. a hope for reconciliation.
a hope was given. a false hope, rather. and in a snap of a finger, you bring that hope, MY hope, crashing down. the twinge you will never feel. the stabbing pain you have caused. the quake you have trigger off. but it was my mistake to hope. and i will never again.
for a few hours, i left my mind to ease my wounded self. i left the body to function with no emotions. i threw in many fake smiles, reminding myself to be strong. it all looked calm on the outside, but contrary was in the inside. my mind was having a confrontation with my heart. it was all chaotic and anarchic. it was as if weapons of mass destrcutions were inside of me. the pain, i cannot express in words. i reckon, it is by far the the most pain I've felt in 18 years. and i blame no one but me. but I'll live through this misery.
is this what you want, Oh Sir? again i ask, what more? what more?
you stole all that was never yours. and you threw it away when you are done. it was my heart you stole. and it was me you threw away. what more, Sir? what more?
there is nothing else to break, because everything was already broken on the 11 October 2007. what more? i ask Sir, what more?
you have punished me enough Sir. please don't punish them, they are innocent. it was all me Sir. it was all me.
i am sorry i was not good enough. :)
and for now, leave me alone. when i am ready, i'll come out again. stronger than ever. good night Oh, beautiful world. :)
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 10:42 PM
:) Beside Andrew AKA SIZZLING AKA Best adik one could ever wish for.. Cutest too.. *wink*
Across Saba AKA HOTSTUFF AKA Best abg none could eva have except me. Most
charming too. *grins* In fact, i think he's hotter (HAWTer) than my adik. NO. I know he is. :D
random post. i love both!
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 3:15 PM
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
:) a little personal.
current mood: wreck&hyper
because I'm turning 9-teen this year, i have decided to lay out 9-teen New Year resolutions and wishes. HAHA :)
not interested? go click the "x" button. :)
- to meet taufik batisah in person. :)
- to loose 5 kg.
- to go try something new.
- to be more feminine.
- to save money, so i can go retail therapy at any given time. :)
- to get over the hangover. :)
- to always stay true to my feelings.
- to understand people around me better.
- to stay true to my three "F"s in life. :)
- to have a better sense of fashion. HAHA
- to be a better person in the family.
- to extend wardrobe. :)
- to change something about this fugly hair do.
- to get a new phone. :)
- to be a nicer person.
- to be less self-absorbed.
- to lessen visits to undesired web pages.
- to find happiness. :)
- to stick to this list. :)
now you can go away. :)
OH, good night world & HAPPY NEW YEAR. may 2008 bring joy to you and me. i love you world. :)
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 4:30 AM
