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Friday, February 29, 2008

:) HIM.
current mood: rage

Will it make you happy, to see the person you love suffer. I tried so hard to let loose the cage, to jump freely. But i failed. Over and again, I have failed. It's all my fault, I know. But you bear the pain to see me go through all this. Over and again. It gets tiring trying to force myself to smile. Do you not love me enough to see me suffer? Is it wrong at a shot of happiness my way?
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I dreamt of walking down the street, under the eyes of the moon as it witness me enjoying every step I take. I dreamt of that arms holding me tight, not willing to let me go. I saw a beautiful place with him by my side. The world is a beautiful place, even if that beauty takes some effort to see.
I am not going to seek refuge anymore. Maybe the truth revealing itself does much more wonder than me confessing to the sins I have done. Maybe mother nature likes it this way, to see me down with depression again. Or maybe I was cursed from the very beginning. At the very least, let me dream of happiness. Or at least that I will be happy.

For now, let this be real.
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I like the way he was frank. The way he says that I am irritating. I like the way he thinks, where "this is me, if you don't like it, leave." I like the way he talks about the moment that matters, the first moment he smiled at me in the school library. I like the way he let me be myself in front of him. The way he smiles and stares at me. I like the way he is precised about the smallest thing. I like the fact that he trust me with his phone at the start of everything. I loved the fact that he wants to meet me sometimes but refuse to say so and I've always thought that it is cute. I love the fact that he came at the right time, that he notice me in school like no one has ever. I loved the fact that he saved me without knowing that he did. I've always thought he's charming, witty and funny. He's always a nice company. I like the funny facial expression he has when he's mocking me. I like the way he respects me. I love the way he calls me "small kid" and treats me like one. I like the way his hands fit mine. I like the way he touch me with his hands. I guess I just fell in love with him.
No sweet words can describe the feeling. And maybe I still can't explain why I fell in love with him. But I do and at least the words I say is true. I fell in love with every little things that I see in him do and for everything that makes him. I love him because he is a nice person and because he is who he is. Maybe he completes those missing pieces of my life. I do love him. Maybe the world would see it. And maybe you would see it. But till that day, I'll keep showering my love for him. Till maybe the day comes where everyone can see that I am true, I still won't love him less.
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I want to face this with him and somehow, in this mess, I know that he will pull me through. Maybe its how he always appear calm. Or maybe it's just the security he has managed to give me. I think its just the way he makes me feel. And I do feel special. Thank you.

&If you love me, at least let me have this. Because right now, he means a whole lot more than you can make of it. :)

Oh, Good night you.

`fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 2:59 AM

Friday, February 22, 2008

:) loosing.
current mood: impatient

How about a maze with 2 endings? How about a choice between reality and dreams? How about a choice of betrayal and love or mellow and pretence? I hate choices. What if you make the wrong ones? And I do hate regrets more than I hate making the wrong choice.
So now, I choose to be this piece of stone drifting along the river. The piece of stone that follows the flow of the river current. It leaves me with no worries to make desicions. Oh, I do enjoy this ride.

I like waking up in the mornings without plans to go anywhere. I enjoy spending moments like that in his arms. I want it to stay this way. I want it to never end. My dreams, I would give up reality to stay in it. I would like forever to stay this way. I know in time, he might be the one who loves me best. It's just the way he makes me feel. It's no wonder he's sweet. :)

Have a good day you. :)

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 11:27 AM

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

:) Tape.
Current mood: tired

How many people actually understand the meaning of life? We set out in this journey, playing as the leading role in our own lives. We struggle on set and as director of our own lives, we have to find the best solution soon enough. Because you and I both know that time doesn’t wait for any one. Our life is an on going tape rolling. It stops when the heart stops beating, literally. A drama is what we live life like. Honestly, who doesn’t? So, what if my life is like a drama? I am only human after all. Maybe I did break a few promises along the way. Hurt a few people and got myself heart broken. But at least I am true to my heart. And I tink I may have found my leading male for now.

He took my hand and assured me that it will be fine. Maybe it was his sincerity, or the way he was upfront about everything from the start. He did not make any attempt to promise, just promises that he would try. Maybe it’s the way he look at me, or the smile he wears. I don’t know what it is about him. But I think I like it the way it is.

I wish prince charming is true. Well hopefully.
Oh, good night you.

‘fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 1:12 AM

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

:) 5 steps ahead.
current mood: at ease

Take a step forward and don’t look back. You will realize that many things are not worth the drama. Take another step forward and look forward for the next. You will realize that you just have to let the past go. Take another step forward and then you will leap. You will realize that that is how life works. Time won’t wait and the rewind button doesn’t work. So take that step and move. That’s just the way it’s meant to be. And finally, smile while you are at it. You won't know who's looking.

My previous month was terrific somehow. I found treasures and learnt about another way of life. Who would have thought, it's me driving my own life. I am happy. Just please let this be true. :)
&It's been one month sexy :)

Good night you.

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 12:48 AM

Sunday, February 17, 2008

:) world.
current mood: pissed&drunk

Funny how life works. The way you have to pull many different strings to get things your way. Or the way you have to cheat and lie, just to ease the pain of others. Funny how you will never get what you really wanted, no matter how hard you tried. There is always that one thing you can never get. Ever thought about it? And how many of us actually live life wearing a smile everyday, and actually meaning that smile? Funny how we hide behind our layers of façade, just to cover our vulnerable side. Why? Maybe we want to show the world that we are strong. Or maybe we made a mistake, just obeying the ultimate sin, a human's ego.

This entry will be long. Spare me a few moments in your life, not that I actually have readers here. But I need to get this off my chest. And after reading this, I want you to know that I am fine. It's just another rant. So don't bother asking me how I am coping.

& the story goes. A stranger, who became a friend, then a lover, a friend again and back to becoming a stranger. It was a love story that ended just like many others. (And I have heard that life is about stories of loosing someone) And hers was similar to all. After loosing what she believed to be her soul mate, she loss every happiness in her. Every night she prays for his heart to accept her again. She held on to the slightest sign of hope for them to reconcile. Every prayer, every dream and every hope breathe his name. Her "world", she calls him. Finally, when too many obstacles blocked their path, the world to her seems much more deserted than before. So she sat off, finding comfort in another. She too needed rest.

It was not that she did not love him enough. Nor was it that she could not wait any longer. She believes in faith. In the truth that God has made plans for all of us. She believes in following her heart, because that’s the only thing she can trust. Its not that she wanted it to end this way, but it was just clear that this was the only path for her to take. Not that she had a choice, but at least she was keen to have moved on.

Now she sleeps in the arms of another. Yet her heart seems far away. She learns to love another but the past remains unchanged. It’s not as though she did not love him, but she just had to move away. She found comfort somewhere new. And she smiles again. So world, give her a chance to live again. Let that smile be real. Let that smile last for her. She deserves to be happy too. Dear world, please stop your games. She is tried. Really.
----------

I know the pain of loosing because I loose alot. Her story is one I am best at understanding. She's a good friend. And she says, "deep down inside, reveals a truth that no one will know or understand. I do love him but it just was not meant to be. The sadest part is, he won't listen."
Maybe I do understand. Just maybe, I was where she is now.

However, I want to say that I love where I am now. I do.
I have learnt about things beyond what I imagined I could.
&I do love you, dearest mister clown. You have become a part of my life. :)

Good night you.

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 9:37 PM

Friday, February 15, 2008

:) the FOUR-teen.
current mood: content

I found a diamond in the mist of the fog. My heart sticks to it like glue. I like where I am. Thank you.

Good night you.

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 12:51 AM

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

:) more than it seems.
current mood: blank-

Not because the feelings’ not there.
Or because the hearts don’t care.
It's just because time is in the way.
So we are waiting till the next day.
But at least I know the hopes are true.
That is why I chose to do this with you.

Complicated. Maybe for once, I like you this way.
Good night you. :)

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 12:57 AM

Sunday, February 10, 2008

:) weekend getaway.
current mood: satisfied

How about a last minute getaway. You have 30 minutes to pack your stuff and another 30 minutes to get ready. The next thing you know, you are on a ferry, making your way to BATAM. Treated like the Resort's VIP, its no wonder we enjoyed our trip. Here, enjoy some snap shot moments. :)




















The getaway was just what I needed. Thank you mommy. :)
I missed the circus show while I was away. & you.
.
'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 3:57 PM

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

:) Fifth again.
current mood: blocked

I am running away from people who understand me best. Because I have a feeling that no one will understand me now. I apologize.
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When I was in depth of all emotions, that was when I came across a circus. I let all my guards down and I ran towards the tent, not knowing what lies ahead for me. I am unsure when the circus will end. But I love it there, I use to just sit and watch them with amazement. Now, they have found a soft spot for me. I am needed there, to run errands, to help with the side stage and sometimes to help run the show. And believe me, the show runs better when I am around. I feel responsible for it, and best of all I am comfortable there. Then there’s the clowns, they always cheer me up.

The circus is not like the world. The world is where all else lies. The direction, the path in my life. The world is where I find my real happiness and where reality will stay. The world needs me and I need the world. The world is where everything lies and the circus is just a place I love now.
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I had fun today. & We were suppose to be 21. Nevertheless, good night oh, beautiful world.

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 2:25 AM

Sunday, February 3, 2008

:) you.
current mood: washed away

Dear world, waiting.
2 hours for your date to come.
45 minutes for your date to finish grooming.
2 hours for the midnight calls.
5 hours for a 15 minute bus ride.
5 hours to give a surprise.
All this for a year plus. Try waiting.
Then,
3 months for your happiness to come.
Dear world, try waiting.

Waiting. The human mind gets restless after a certain time of nullity. Each painful moment, each one second pass seems longer than the previous. Try waiting for a hope that will never come. Or waiting for a dream that was never meant to be yours. Try waiting for the best memory that will never be realized. I was on the verge break down. Another depression.
Waiting seems to be my only mistake. I have let it become a habit. A habits that is hard to break. I blame the world for this. Come back, and make me smile again.
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& Yesterday. :)

It was the wind that blew away the pain. It was the rain drops that washed away our sins. It was the sound of the crashing waves pushing away the malevolence thoughts. It left us, six of us, empty. And it was the company that filled us all up. I sat there in between, watching them. Try singing your hearts out, let out the pain. It was a night where only the company mattered. And as I walk home, I felt like I was replenished. I felt a sense of joy. I was a whole new me. Thank you to you 5 who made my night.
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I am waiting for a certain truth. Waiting for my happiness.
Good night world. I do miss the sunlight in your face.

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 10:33 PM

Saturday, February 2, 2008

:) A ploy at play.
current mood: composed

3 strikes. That is all you have till you are out of the game. First try. You lost your balance and fell off the ground. Second. You thought you’d do better but you seem to have hurt yourself more. The third and final try. You lost it somehow. Again. 3 strikes Sir. That’s what you got. But I gave you more. Thinking and hoping the light would shine again and memories would fall apart. I gave you more. You lost it again. You lost it all.

Now I have got to go. After 3 months I have realized yet another mistake that I have made. I was not at the cross road with you, but I was a dead end. 3 months you played me with you ruse. 3 months I was controlled. Finally, I understood. Making a u-turn is the hardest thing now. But I have him. I will survive. :) You will realize that I stood there waiting in the monsoon, but you never came. He took me by the hand, leading me to a shelter once again. I will survive. You lost it all. Thank you world for making me stronger.

`fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 2:42 PM

Friday, February 1, 2008

:) mistake.
current mood: sleepy

It was a mistake. A moment of folly. But I'll live. I know I will. I am stronger than that. I am falling into yet another whirlpool; one which I know will pull me out of the other and bring me to a happy place. It was not any one’s choice but my own. And I claim to be in a different situation as I was before. Not even you will understand. I like where I am. I feel like a 5 year old kid again, at the back seat of the car, watching other cars driving past us. The wind in my face and the sense of belonging some where. I know I am safe.

My mind’s filled with images I never want to replace. The agony to hold on for one last chance for the pursuit of my own happiness tires me out. I am enervated. Let me be for now, here in my happy place. I know that this is what I want. Dear world, let me smile again. :)

'fimaaa
❤ imperfectly written at 10:16 AM